Is Controlling a Girlfriend Helpful in a Relationship?
How often do guys control their girlfriends? In all couples it is individual. But we can say for sure that going to extremes is always bad. Some people think that no control is needed; others want to know every step of their significant other. Both approaches have much fewer disadvantages than advantages, and it is better to look for the truth somewhere in between. Let’s consider the issue in more detail, taking a closer look at both extremes.
You are in Complete Control of the Girlfriend
It doesn’t make sense. Let’s say you managed to find a bride online at brides4love, and you think that if you don’t control her, then she will definitely cheat on you, or at least screw you up. The question arises — why then did you start dating her at all? If you think she is not worthy of trust, then why live on a volcano? After all, if a person has desires, she will definitely bring them to life, and no control will stop her. And since girls today are quite independent — no law or religion prevents them from doing what they want — it’s easier for her to leave you. Moreover, she sees self-doubt in your actions and your importance falls in her eyes.
To fully trust a person (not necessarily a girl), you need to have some reason for this. That is, we should talk about a long-term relationship in which you can say: “I know her better than anyone else — she can be trusted.” However, there are very few such couples. Probably, these are only spouses who have lived together for 30 years, avoiding serious deception. And this is hardly your option.
Unlimited trust in an unfamiliar person unties their hands, especially if there are serious temptations. A simple example: if $50 falls out of your pocket in a crowded place, then most people will call you and say about it. And if it is a pack of large bills — then the person will already think about it. And the larger the amount, the fewer people will be willing to resist the temptation, especially if no one is watching them (no control).
The Right Approach
There is an interesting story where people got the practice of greeting by shaking hands. When you give a person your hands with open palms, they realize that you have completely transparent intentions — you are safe, you do not have a knife behind your back. Something like this can be negotiated with the girlfriend at the very beginning of the relationship. Namely — to hide nothing. You do not need to check it, you just need to know where she is at any given time. She doesn’t have to hide her phone or laptop. Thus, you are calm. You do not need to be jealous, at any time you can simply ask a clarifying question.
Feeling of Control
A man is so arranged that he is much calmer when he controls all areas of his life. The relationship has already entered a serious stage, you do not want to end it, but you feel that you periodically experience some kind of anxiety and distrust. How, then, to take control of everything?
- You suspect something and want to calm down. Then you need to make sure that her deception is revealed. Suppose that the reason for mistrust/jealousy turned out to be justified, and you found out about everything. In the first case, you simply end the relationship with her — and this is the best option. In the second case, you do not break up, but your trust in her is undermined (depending on the seriousness of the offense). Let’s say, for whatever reason, you want to continue the relationship with her. But remember that it is she who has to restore trust. You don’t have to puzzle over what she should do to make you forgive her. Now, these are her worries — if, of course, her desire is not less than yours.
- You need to talk to establish rules for transparency in the relationship. Oddly enough, here you need to say directly what exactly you want. But the context will depend on what stage you are at. Of course, if you have been married for many years, it can be hard to change things that are already established. But for sure, if you have been together for a long time, and you do not fully trust her, you have had strange conversations. Let her know that you want a transparent relationship, or you don’t want any: “I am concerned about our relationship. Now I think whether it is worth continuing it at all, even though we have been together for a long time. You have avoided answering direct questions many times, and I don’t see a continuation if I can’t trust you.”
Don’t Be Blind
Intuition is always challenging. Suspicions are not taken out of thin air if you are an adequate and mentally healthy person. In most cases, mistrust is confirmed, and this phenomenon has a completely scientific basis. The so-called intuition is a collection of data that we receive, but for various reasons, we cannot process everything with our consciousness and put it together into a coherent picture. That is, intuitively, you discovered the deception, but you cannot justify everything logically.
But in order not to injure your psyche, the brain tries to come up with optimistic scenarios — excuses for your partner. You try to believe in the best, believe her excuses. But the gut instinct continues to sound the alarm. As a result, you cannot sleep well and life turns into hell.
Therefore, you do not need to blindly trust anyone, especially if you feel something wrong inside:
- Blind trust is the best way to expose yourself and be deceived. Trust must be based on good reason.
- Transparent relationships are the best and easiest option. This is not blind trust, but a mutual agreement that allows you to dispel doubts or confirm suspicions at any time — without jealousy and draining the balance of significance.
- Trying to control everything on your own is pointless and harmful (she will leave you anyway).
It is best to negotiate at the very beginning of the relationship. Even earlier — at the stage of acquaintance and first dates — you can understand what the girl’s priorities are. It is the best time to ask direct questions and hear honest answers, with almost nothing at stake.