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Mi sono svegliata di soprassalto verso le 4.45 a causa di un incubo e adesso eccomi qui a scrivere a un orario assurdo. Non riesco più ad addormentarmi. Non e’ la prima volta che mi capitano questo risvegli traumatici. Poi mi parte la tachicardia ed e’ finita niente più sonno. La casa tace, nessun brusio, sento solo la pioggia battere sugli antoni e qualche rara auto che passa sporadica in strada. Silenzio, solititudine e tanti, tanti pensieri. E la paura. Quella terribile paura di sottofondo che non mi abbandona mai, alcune volte si fa più leggera e lascia spazio a qualcos’altro, altre volte emerge preponderante come poco fa e mi accerchia repentinamente nel cuore della notte. La paura assume diverse forme e di conseguenza diversi significati. Mi sento fragile e vulnerabile come se ogni cosa potesse ferirmi e di fatto lo fa. Mi ripeto che non devo avere paura, ma in realtà da sola non riesco a scacciarla. Mi sono trascinata in salotto con la coperta, quasi come per sentire qualcosa addosso, quasi come se potesse proteggermi da tutto. Stamattina passerà mio padre, mi ha detto che deve “portarmi” una cosa e questo un po’ mi tranquillizza, di solito mi dice ti devo “dire” una cosa. E “dire” e’ molto peggio che “portare”. Le parole mi feriscono, i comportamenti delle persone mi feriscono e io non riesco a evitare tutto questo. Ci provo, ci riprovo, ma nulla. Rimango irremediabilmente colpita. Vorrei non sentire, non avere avuto orecchi per subire le parole delle persone, vorrei non aver avuto il cuore per sentire tanto dolore. Da piccola pensavo che, concentrandomi tanto sulle cose, potessi “entrare” nelle cose stesse ed essere loro quasi come “non avere un corpo” e “non sentire” tutto quello che avevo dentro. E mi concentravo così tanto che spesso ci riuscivo, la forza che avevo prima adesso non ce l’ho più. Ogni parola, ogni pensiero lo sento ferente, nella testa dentro e lo sento così forte anche sul corpo, come se le parole fossero proiettili che mi colpiscono dentro e fuori. La testa e’ ferita, il corpo e’ ferito. E il dolore quando e’ davvero forte lo senti anche sul corpo: ecco forse la malattia.
Ma non mollo, lotto ancora.
Buona domenica 🦋
Finally posted on time😂 For my breakfast and also considered as my pre-workout, I had 3 buns of pan de sal. I told myself that I would merely get one but I felt hungry and weak. I was about to workout and I needed energy so I listened to my body☺️ Post-workout meal was corned tuna with one sliced banana and for my lunch I had 1 sweet pan de sal bun and less than 1/2 cup of corned beef with potatoes. I tried doing yoga for the first time and I actually got fond of it. Despite my muscles being really sore right now, I feel great🙈
Yesterday: For my breakfast pre-workout was a banana and post workout was oatmeal with strawberry powdered milk drink and 1/3 cup of scrambled egg with tomatoes and onions . Thennn for my lunch I cooked my own tuna pasta once again and had 1 dried mango candy. And for my dinner I ate 1/2 cup of roasted chicken (I ate with my family so I couldn't take a pic) and I had 4-5 tablespoons of the porridge. It tasted horrible so I just disposed the rest. I snacked on 6 marie biscuits, 2 otap biscuits and drank this hokkaido milk tea.
Okey dokey y'all! I'm going to get super personal with you guys for just a moment! This month, marks two years since I hit a critical point in my life. I was over stressed, depressed because my running dreams had gone down the toilet, still carrying The shame of child hood trauma and abuse, working, going to school full time, and eating (but not enough in order to fuel myself for all the work I was doing). My God mother got me on the scale after a swim and I weighed in at just over 84 lbs soaking wet... that was my wake up call ! two years later, after multiple health concerns including two ER trips due to heart problems that could've taken my life, screenings for cancer and various autoimmune disorders (as a result of low white blood cell counts), Constant issues with my muscles and back, I'm happy to say I learned to love nourish myself, am now weight restored and have been for several months now. Though I still battle muscular and back pain along with chest pressure and often chest pain on pretty much a daily basis... I'm blessed to be alive! I'm truly grateful to my dear God mother who was brave enough to coax me on the scale. Her boldness saved my life! If you or anyone you know is suffering from an eating disorder, get help now! Don't wait another day! Life is so much more than numbers on a scale! #edrecovery #prorecovery #weightrestored
I had an acai bowl after my race!! It was sooooo hot during the race and Mt. Sac is known for that! I’m sure my followers who are runners know of Mt. Sac. This is the biggest cross country meet in the world and I’m so happy to have competed in it 😃 It’s famous for its abundance of hills (they’re named switchbacks, poopout, and reservoir) and the heat! Seriously there were people throwing up during the race. But I PR’d by more than a minute and a half on a 2.93 mile race with a shit ton of hills!! I could have gone faster but the weather was terrible and I had THE WORST case of the hill shits in the last mile 😆 I ran 19:19 in the girls D1 team sweepstakes wooo! And then my teammates and I grabbed some acai bowls from a stand at the meet. I was scared bc of those sugar and carb fears and bc I chugged 2 bottles of Gatorade right after the finish lmao bc I was so dehydrated but shit these bowls were so good!!!! Mine was the one with bloobs, strawberries, and sweetened (!!) coconut!! Ahhhh so good I miss it! Anyhow I’m tired and I ate a shit ton of pasta and potatoes for dinner and I’m in a food coma so peace out I’m going to sleep lol ✨#acai #acaibowl #smoothiebowl #coconut #blueberry #strawberry #mtsac #banana #granola #fearfood #recoverywin #healthy
Dinner is a quinoa stuffed sweet potato with lots of seeds and golden raisins and an apple arugula salad! 😋🥗🍎🍠 this was a good last dinner of the trip :) me and my dad are going to his friends house for brunch tomorrow and I have no idea what's being served and there's obviously no choice so that's kinda scary 😍 idk well see what happens though 🙌 have a lovely evening angels!! ❤️😘 xxx #prorecovery #minniemaud #edfam #ednos #edfood #edarmy #edrecovery #anawho #anabitch #anawarrior #anarecovery #recoveryisworthit #recoveryispossible #recoverywarrior #recoveryarmy #anorexia #anorexianervosa #anorexiarecovery #eatingdisorder #eatingdisorderrecovery #eattolive #eattogrow #eattogain #edfamily #anafamily #goodbyeed #edcommunity #beated #fuckana #happypoints
Lunch today is a salmon taco, beans and Spanish rice! 😋🍚🌮🐟 this was a really good and sort of scary combo 👏 I really liked uc berkeley but Stanford is still my top choice 😉 I have such high expectations but idk I hope I get in 💪 have a lovely afternoon angels!! ❤️😘 xxx #prorecovery #minniemaud #edfam #ednos #edfood #edarmy #edrecovery #anawho #anabitch #anawarrior #anarecovery #recoveryisworthit #recoveryispossible #recoverywarrior #recoveryarmy #anorexia #anorexianervosa #anorexiarecovery #eatingdisorder #eatingdisorderrecovery #eattolive #eattogrow #eattogain #edfamily #anafamily #goodbyeed #edcommunity #beated #fuckana #happypoints
Breakfast is two English muffins and super oily roasted potatoes! 😋🥔🍳🥚these potatoes were so good and I'm so glad I got them instead of a safe food 👏 cuz sometimes I have to branch out 💪 I'm going to uc berkeley today so we got breakfast on the road :) I woke up with a stomach ache which sort of made me want to restrict but I feel good again now and I know I have to 🙌 have a lovely day angels!! ❤️😘 xxx #prorecovery #minniemaud #edfam #ednos #edfood #edarmy #edrecovery #anawho #anabitch #anawarrior #anarecovery #recoveryisworthit #recoveryispossible #recoverywarrior #recoveryarmy #anorexia #anorexianervosa #anorexiarecovery #eatingdisorder #eatingdisorderrecovery #eattolive #eattogrow #eattogain #edfamily #anafamily #goodbyeed #edcommunity #beated #fuckana #happypoints
Anything below this line is pre-recovery.
Everything above it is recovery.
I'm choosing life, and happy. I'm choosing being alive and I'm choosing to recover.
#prorecovery #recovering #recovery #alive
Anything below this line is pre-recovery.
Everything above it is recovery.
I'm choosing life, and happy. I'm choosing being alive and I'm choosing to recover.
#prorecovery #recovering #recovery #alive
Anything below this line is pre-recovery.
Everything above it is recovery.
I'm choosing life, and happy. I'm choosing being alive and I'm choosing to recover.
#prorecovery #recovering #recovery #alive
Omg you guys i felt so bad eating this bcos it was too pretty 😂 But guys I got the strawberry milk and green tea icecream flavours and it was so so guud! 😋🌹 I have so many exams coming up i actually want to cry 😖 But i hope ur day is going well my sweet angels 💫 Stay strong! 💕💕 #anorexiarecovery #anorexia #eatingdisorderrecovery #nourishnotpunish #edfighter #anafighter #prorecovery #anarecovery #edfam #greentea #nourishnotpunish #strongnotskinny #eatingdisorder #edwarrior #recoveryisworthit #recoveryispossible
•Beloved• A person who is greatly loved.
Do I live my life in a way that shows I am resting in the truth of being greatly loved? An ever present invitation to go deeper into knowing the love of my Saviour for me.. What a goal. What a life. What a King ❤️ #selah
Here's my school breakfast + this weight gain milk supplement thingy that I just drank &I feel anxious abt... anyways gotta head to school as I'm running late! Will definitely be ignoring Ana cz I have a biology quiz to revise for! Goodbye lovelies wish me luck💕💕 #recovery #realrecovery #prorecovery #beatana #beatanorexia #anorexia #anorexiarecovery #fuckanorexia #anorexianervosa #fuckana #recoveryisworthit #recoverywin #recoveryispossible #foodisfuel #nourishnotpunish #nourish #nourishtoflourish #nourishyourbody #feedyourbody #selflove #eatingdisorder #eatingdisorderrecovery #edcommunity #edrecovery #edwarrior #edfighter #anafighter #anorexiafighter #smashingana

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