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  Posted: Nov 20, 2011 7:38 PM FEED
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|| Me too || The waves roared and crashed. I felt drowned out and pulled down as they stood by watching my struggle, believing I was just swimming and only pretending to drown. "Oh, you're fine," they said. "It's not a big deal." "It could have been worse." I grew to believe them, to believe the lies. I grew to believe I wasn't worth it and that another's desire mattered more than mine. I believed I had brought it on myself, that it was my own fault. That I had led them on this far, might as well let it be over sooner rather than later. I grew to oblige, to withdraw, to hide within myself even as I hated myself. I grew to fear what my resistance would bring and what a rejection would cause.
More than once I did resiste. I cried. I said no. I tried to pull away. I tried to push but I wasn't strong. I tried to yell but I felt too ashamed that someone else would come in and see my vulnerability and my weakness. I brought it on myself.
These are the lies I told myself. These are the lies I still deal with. Now I live with the images, the emotions, the onslaught of feelings that come to the surface too often and overtake me.
I am worth more than I have been made to feel.. Maybe one day I'll actually believe it.
Thankful for weekend visits, great friends, and good selfies🤳🏻
Today was the last tennis match of the semester - so my last tennis match as a student at Montreat. Man, is it bittersweet. Luckily I'll be around next semester so you're not done with me yet. 😉
But here's a pic of the originals in honor of my "senior day" & Sky's visit #wethefam
In the past few months my life has felt overtaken by a constant state of sadness and anxiety. Maybe for a couple hours, a day, or even a week, I'll feel okay, even happy, but usually it's due to distraction and busyness. I've wanted to be with others while at the same time just wanted to be alone. I feel adrift and lost as well as overwhelmed and pushed to the next choice, the next step, the next thing. I question my path, my decisions, myself.. and why I can't seem to "be happy". So why post this? I don't want pity or fake encouragement or extra attention. I just want real. I can't stand a world of highlights without the low and I cannot bring myself to post a cheery insta acting like all is well when I feel so contrary. But more than that I want to recognize my friends who encourage, support, and love me, despite my harsh words or selfish attitude. Right now I just want to thank them. For the little things they do but mostly just for the people they are. Thank you for your little rays of happiness.. and sorry for the venting ramble. 🌥
A visit with GranMommie and a stroll on the Riverwalk. • • •
Strength is pushing through weakness and refusing to give up. It's doing it with a good-natured spirit as she tells us, never get old girls. It's carrying memories and loss while refusing to give in and loving despite the knowledge that you'll lose everyone in some sort of way at some point. It's my GranMommie, and we saw it yesterday so clearly as the sun shined through the leaves on the Riverwalk. She is beautiful and strong and I'm sad I don't see her more often, but so glad I did this weekend. 🛤
Rooting for my girls today on the first match of the season. Come out and support at our home courts at 3pm! 💪🏼🎾💥
Don't mind me, I'm just over here rooting for my favorite Khaleesi 🐉🐺🦁 #GOT
Bring on the bubbly - she's getting a hubby! 🥂💍
So happy for you, Amanda! Can't wait for the big day 😘👰🏼 #onthesamePaige2017
#bachelorette #amandasbeachelorette
Wishing you only good vibes on your birthday. Better yet, I wish you great vibes for your birthday week. Love you Kait, hbd! 💖🛍😘
God can use any experience, especially the lonely ones. 🏔
First solo trip completed ✅ #Ecuador #solotravel
"'Go back?' he thought. 'No good at all! Go sideways? Impossible! Go forward? Only thing to do! On we go!' So up he got, and trotted along with his little sword held in front of him and one hand feeling the wall, and his heart all of a patter and a pitter." #bilbobaggins #LOTR • • •
This summer has been a struggle at times. It has been new, exhausting, and isolating. But day after day it's a choice to go forward. To remember that God is constant and He is with every breath I take. And now it's almost time to return home, yet I have another journey ahead before then. So here I go, forward, with my anxious and flawed heart going all patter-pitter. 🇪🇨 #incalink #llamalink #travel #christian #rebelsroam
My favorite birthday wish yesterday was "you're half of a century!" 😶
Gracias amigos for making me feel young and very, very far from 50. #25 #llamalink 🎊✌🏼🖐🏼
Finally got a free day and I spent it on friends, the beach, and one awesome fruit bowl 🍍🍊🍉🍌 #eatfruitnotfriends
Soak up every moment; it goes by faster than you think 🦋
#Ecuador #incalink #threemoreweeks
Seas the day. If there's a will, there's a wave 🌊
Follow • • • "Take up your cross and follow me," Jesus said. "Imitate me as I follow Jesus", Paul said. "Do what you want" the world says, when it really means, "follow me and seek pleasure." What my body and the world wants is easy but pleasure is fleeting. What my soul wants is hard and doesn't come easy. How I long for it to be as easy as a flock of birds flying. I could be right in the middle, simply following the one in front of me and with another behind to make sure I don't lag or veer off course. Yet, life isn't like that. I don't have people who are always there to keep me flying in line. I don't have someone following behind to make sure I don't lag. And God's way is often hard to know. The path is narrow and difficult, which makes it easier to head the wrong direction. I envy these birds. But they remind me too that I'm called to follow only one God, one path, one way to life through Christ.
The way is often unclear, lonely, and hard. Right now the sky is cloudy and I don't know north from south. But it's better than any other way. In that truth I have no doubts. 🌥
#christ #challengebychoice #llamalink