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  Posted: Aug 6, 2012 2:39 AM FEED
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Every time I visit my Mama, she sends me home with special things. Today, it's a basket full of succulents. She's so good.

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Posted: Oct 20, 2017 6:05 PM
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there just so happens to be this family of gorgeous eucalyptus trees growing alongside a deserted market and i felt like they deserved a chance to be deeply adored, right here on our mantle. 🍂🌿 oh and i almost forgot about this hashtag #bitcheslovefall
our persimmon tree exploded in this flickering fiery orange this week and every time i glance out my window it looks like our tree is on fire and it scares me because i forget that it’s not green anymore and then all at once i realize it’s as beautiful as it will ever be, like this perfect collision of earth with heaven - this sequence they form together at the same time every year, albeit brief but still delicate. if i wrote a letter to my younger self today, it would read something like “i am so glad you collected all those sweaters for the little girl you always wondered (ahem dreamed) you would have. because you will have her, and one day in autumn you will pull them from storage, wash them, and hang them dry so she could wear them that season.” it calls for rain tonight. rain. a four letter word we have all chanted addictively for. it will be such a beautiful gift on all these unwanted, glowing embers on the ground. and with the rain, we have plans to just do something normal this evening. it’s a word that i have read so many who have lost everything have craved lately. normalcy. like sitting on the couch and watching curb your enthusiasm while your feet are gently rubbed. like reheating your coffee. like slicing apples and adding more butter into the mixture. like reaching for the rose soap and putting your keys on the hook and checking the showtime for a movie. i think that sometimes we forget that normal is something we should bow down to, something we should be absolutely without a doubt thankful for. every bit of it. because if i have learned anything from all this - it’s that it can be gone quite literally, in seconds. so whatever your normal is, let it be yours and let it be loved.i
she may not remember the week when our world was literally burning, she may not remember the sky red with flames and smoke and she may not remember the unbearable sadness in her mother’s heart during this time, but maybe she’ll remember this pink chair i painted for her on her second birthday in the middle of it all, just honestly, to make her smile, (and to make this world a little less dark). #sonomacountystrong
we took you for pancakes with whipped cream this morning, your second ever birthday, and after you picked out a christmas globe that sings christmas carols and the look on your face while we sat on the ground of the hardware store pressing it over and over will be with me forever. it was so simple and it made you so happy. i hope that the simple things always do. we were there getting a small can of pink paint to paint a chair for you and it will be done by the time you wake tomorrow, two years and one day old. i wanted to take a quick photo of you in your little vintage outfit (one that i got for you many years before you were ours) and you began singing happy birthday to everyone you know (me, daddy, brother, nana, grampy, griswold, juni-winnie) and the video explains your soul in a way that my words may never. two years old looks so beautiful on you, Fiorella Primrose. we are just so so glad you’re here.
Posted: Oct 17, 2017 1:42 AM
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when two minutes go by and somehow each of those minutes is a year. when the recollection of my husband waking up in the middle of the night (on the same day this photo was taken) whispering into her tiny ears “thank you for coming when you did” still flies about my heart like this beautiful eternal butterfly of memories. when, less than seven hundred days ago, i could fit the whole of her body against my neck with the palm of my hand
Posted: Oct 16, 2017 1:21 AM
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my little baby girl turns two on tuesday. two. i am such a sentimental soul, so to not have been properly going through and preparing my emotions for feeling everything that comes with a birthday for either one of my children due to this weeks tragic events, just feels deeply strange and unfamiliar. it’s a process i so depend on in order to let go and welcome the ever so clear changing of time gracefully. i often sit with their box of things, photographs, reread the letters and notes i wrote to them before they were born. i haven’t done any of that yet. not once. and it’s crushing me. so tonight i am going to put a pause on what’s happening in my world and crawl into our bed (which right there makes me so so lucky, to have a bed, our bed, in a house, our house, with them) and weep happy tears with my husband under the covers, going through her last two years of photos together and asking him to tell me the story of what it felt like to pull her from me and say, “sweeetheart, it’s a girl!” (because it’s a story that we have built a life around, it’s a story that still feels like a dream)
Posted: Oct 13, 2017 11:27 PM
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*edit: my PO box is in my stories* i’m not one who can sit idly by when i know people are in immediate need. the fires are still raging and the latest story i read was of a man holding his wife of fifty five years while she died in his arms inside a swimming pool, the only thing they could think to do to escape the inescapable fires. that’s just one of hundreds of thousands of stories. i can’t do nothing so i must do something. and i need your help. i am working with my mama to put on an auction via IG starting with some pieces of unique clothing i have in my collection and from my shop (as seen above) and if you or anyone you know would like to contribute, it would be so deeply, deeply appreciated. we are looking for anything beautiful! clothes, products, services, handmade goods, you name it! or maybe you have a beautiful blouse you never wear and would like to send it to be put to auction! people are in need NOW and the numbers are sadly growing almost exponentially. if you or someone you know would be interested, please either tag them here or message me. i will try to get this together ASAP with 100% of the proceeds going to the victims of of the wine country fires. thank you 🙏 #tubbsfire #auction #atlasfire #sonomacountystrong
we’re heading out the door to an evacuation center to drop off items for wine country fire victims, including clothes i hope might make at least a few women feel a little less vulnerable and afraid. people are in desperate need in an unimaginable way. the fires are still rapidly burning, the numbers of the displaced and lost still rising and evacuations are happening left and right, almost by the minute - STILL. i linked a wonderful place to donate monetarily if you feel inclined in my bio and my stories and if that isn’t an option, i know that prayers are the freest currency we can exchange. in the words of emily dickinson, “if i can stop one heart from breaking, i shall not live in vain; if i can ease one life the aching, or cool one pain, or help one fainting robin unto his nest again, i shall not live in vain.” #tubbsfire #atlasfire #sonomacountystrong
Posted: Oct 11, 2017 10:16 PM
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as many of you know, or maybe you don’t, my hometown of sonoma county and regions beyond have been experiencing incomprehensible wildfire devastation starting in the middle of the night on sunday. winds gathered beyond 70mph made for the fire to travel at rampant speeds through densely populated areas, leaving only ash in its wake. thousands of homes have been destroyed, 115k acres gone, many lives lost, 600+ still missing, and thousands have been displaced, evacuated and now have nothing to hold on to but each other. i have countless family and friends who have lost everything. some that barely made it out. i held a stranger in an apocalyptic target as she cried into my arms needing to be told it’s all going to be ok only to turn around and circle around a family of three in ashen clothes who lost everything and even while i pleaded with tears down my face to buy their groceries or even a new outfit, they said “thank you, but a friendly face is all we need today.” the fires are still raging and the containment is still at 0%. yesterday the morning sun was as red as blood. today the sky is orange and thick with smoke like never before. we are huddled in our home ready to leave at a moments notice. i don’t have any resilient words of hope just yet, but i believe they are coming because i believe in a god that is good and a god that gives and takes away. he has taken a lot for so many, but it is not in vain. if you woke up in your own bed, in your warm home, don’t just count that as a blessing - spread it. spread that gratitude, that gift, that luxury. i’ll post more soon and link ways to help in my stories. my heart just hurts with an insurmountable sadness and everything seems so trivial in comparison. #tubbsfire #sonomacountystrong
Posted: Oct 5, 2017 11:59 PM
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i don't follow parenting books or read parenting blogs (though i've tried, I really have) and i don't check off milestones for where my children should be, given their age, and i don't have playgroup parties and play dates on the calendar and i will most likely be the first to tell you i literally have no idea if how i mother will set them up for failure or success. i don't homeschool. i lose my patience a lot because i am painfully sensitive and sometimes it's all so much. my kids don't wear the latest in instagram fashion and we don't always eat our meals together. i am not a lot of things and i am not a lot of things as their one mother. and maybe all the things i am not and don't do will effect them later on in life but right now, right now, i still have a lot of trust in the things i am for them and what i am teaching them both unintentionally and with intention. i say it with pride because i work straight from my heart. i know how to really really listen to them. i know how to kneel alongside them when they speak. i know how they need to be woken from sleep (softly, with a hand on their cheek and a quiet mouse-like voice). i know timeouts work and sometimes "do you need me to hold you" works, too. i know how to show them beauty in damn near anything if they can't yet see it. i know how to hold one while they sob and still nod and ask questions while the other tells me about why the crayon broke. i know how to drop everything to sing them to sleep while beyond exhausted and in pain. i don't want to be that perfect instagram mom you see everywhere. i want to be THEIR mom. i want to imprint a type of love on my babies that no matter how dark the world may get (and it's so very dark right now) they'll still want to seek the light and help others find it and carry it together side by side. i want to take them to openings of heaven, right here on earth. my heart pleads and hopes that what i am doing is enough — to be raising children who will help build a world far greater than the one now. i picked these flowers from the store for those lost this week and tonight we will all light candles beside them, and talk about what it means to be a light for someone else.
Posted: Oct 5, 2017 1:16 AM
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a morning with my girl, found on my husband's phone, sometime in august. today while we were outside, she was pushing her little shopping cart and said "i won't go too far mommy." #mymorningromance
Posted: Oct 3, 2017 12:56 AM
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i was desperately seeking god's heart in today's news ~ by closing my eyes, talking to the sky, strumming through my pages of tattered books until i found this poem ~ these words. remember that if our hearts irrigate the earth, then our LOVE irrigates man.
Posted: Oct 2, 2017 8:14 PM
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forced bed rest and the entire family gone for the afternoon makes me feel sooo guilty, but watching Felicity on the laptop in bed and sipping a maple pecan latte from ⭐️bucks and getting back to embroidering my blouse i started months ago kind of takes away that guilt....
Posted: Oct 2, 2017 1:52 AM
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to my primrose and to my augustus, they say to live your best life now, and while i don't know exactly what that means or what it looks like, i think i know what it can feel like. because i feel it when i arrange your apple slices into scenes or when i strung these lights next to your hammock this evening just to see you look at them like you would a star up close or when i sing you bruno mars songs in a british accent or when i pretend to be a mama cat on the ground right next to you. i think living your best life now feels like opening a secret door into life's hidden magic and sharing that world in a distinct way with and for, the ones you love (or the ones who need to be loved). (or maybe too, it's living a life behind the scenes of what is and believing in what it could be and giving it a chance to rise into love)
Posted: Sep 30, 2017 5:19 PM
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i woke up before the sun and sipped coffee while i baked special treats to take to a party, all the while listening to beach house and simmering cinnamon + orange peels on the stove. for some reason i am feeling that life is awfully short and i want to feel it all, every moment of it. this photo is so grainy but i don't even care because there is so much light flooding in and it's a reminder and i am happy to have another morning to breathe. another chance to actually be here, now.
Posted: Sep 29, 2017 10:08 PM
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i am so happy to have caught this tiny moment just an hour ago. it shows that tiny notch in our day that we have chiseled together for almost two years, out of necessity, out of intuition, out of instinct — all from this irrevocable bond. this tiny moment happens most every day around two, when we walk hand in hand to the rocking chair to begin the swaying and lullabying to dreamland. the walk is short, you could perhaps say "golden fields and candle light" and in the amount of time it would take to utter those words, we will have made it from where we were in our home to the black wooden rocking chair; a small spot on this earth inside a little white room that carries her from this world to the one she came from. i love that i have this now. to one day show her a moment she needed like breath every day of her life (to show her she never needs to doubt me when i let go of her hand). (also my dress is too tight and hers is too wrinkly, my apologies)
Posted: Sep 28, 2017 12:47 AM
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i wonder what my neighbors think when they see our windows covered in dresses. if for nothing else, perhaps that would make for a lovely title for a chapter in my book: "dresses as curtains" non?
Posted: Sep 26, 2017 12:40 AM
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when they ask who your mother was, my beautiful girl, you don't ever have to go into detail. not about how i used to make your breakfast or how i always wore dresses or how any flower could stop me dead in my tracks. you don't need to explain how i struggled or how i failed or what i used to do to get to that smile of yours or how i was just crazy about your father. none of that will matter. they won't need to know my details because my best parts i will have given to you. but if you must ~ if you must say something, just tell them i loved you with a love that was more than love (by the time you read this you will know who wrote that) and that i lived to find the beauty of the world and take you close to it, every day, so that you became a part of it, too.
i've been so inspired by the sky and the clouds lately, looking up more than i have in a sadly long time and i translated that into our bedding somewhat internationally this season. said goodbye to some mismatched floral pillowcases and replaced them with all white like the clouds. it's simple and i am excited for bed (drinking white rose tea under the covers watching Felicity). 🕊🕊 and p. s michael's is having half off all floral right now! i got that garland for ten dollars!)
the first day of autumn and i am drinking genmaicha tea alongside slices of cold fuji apple i keep dipping into honey. i picked these flowers disguised as weeds and they're really beautiful to me. fiorella loves using my sweaters now in place of her blanket (it's precious and I don't ever want it to end) and gus' teacher said he cried sad, feeling tears as i closed the door to their classroom this morning. i made an 🍂autumnal hymn🍂 playlist and it's full of a lot of soft, echoey voices. i imagine if you listen, you'll wanna kiss someone. i have it in my profile for *ambiant listening.* and lastly, tonight i am going on a date and i'm so excited. i am wearing a black form fitting blouse tucked into a skirt and he promised to take me somewhere where they "stick little flowers into your drink."