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zmcphail1 #StoryTime: so, I don't fart that much. Definitely not as much as I should. Since childhood I've always thought that one of the most embarrassing things that could ever happen would be to fart in front of people. So I would ALWAYS hold it. Well this kinda backfired (literally) because now as an adult I can't fart. Like, I've trained my body to hold it so well that I have to concentrate and really try, just to fart. So basically I hold it in and it goes away or dissolves or something. WELL, I was dating this guy, we were watching a movie, and I had to fart.... Bad. I tried to get to the bathroom so I could let it out but when I stood up it traveled to my tummy and was stuck. It hurt like a son-of-a-bitch! There were maybe only 3 other times that I've been in worse pain than that, and one of them was childbirth. So this fart was stuck in my gut, but it was so painful and intense that I couldn't even walk. Meanwhile, this guy is laughing his ass off. I'm hunched over in pain almost crying, and I swear at one point I told him "tell my son I love him" because I was convinced that there was a good chance that this fart would kill me. Well I ended up farting FINALLY which was beyond embarrassing, but I swear to god, letting out that gas saved my life. #MoralOfTheStory, don't hold in your farts. It could be fatal. 1d

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zmcphail1 I cried. 3d

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zmcphail1 Pumbaa was right tho... 3d

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zmcphail1 One of my co-workers got me flowers today since tomorrow is my last day. So sweet! I'm gonna miss some of them 4d

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zmcphail1 I'm pretty sure he thinks that this dog is his baby. Today I caught him holding her and saying "Oooh it's ok. Don't cry baby. Are you hungry?" And I also caught him singing a "good night" song to her lmao poor dog. #MansBestFriend 4d

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zmcphail1 He found my glasses and started reading #GreenEggsAndHam 4d
  •   ronnie_rey Awwwww, so adorable 4d
  •   dymeb I'm crying at the first pic!!! Looking like Oprah in a deep conversation with them damn glasses! 4d

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zmcphail1 Whoooooo did this?! #DRoseBeLike 6d

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zmcphail1 So I'm at the park with the kids and this lady comes with her 2 dogs... One has on shoes and one is in a baby bjorn. 😕😐 like, why?... I would put shirts on my dog from time to time but this is just weird and borderline cruel. Let your dogs be dogs. Have a baby if you're gonna be doing all that. 6d

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zmcphail1 Woop woop. 6d

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zmcphail1 This right here is TOO real! 1w

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zmcphail1 I can't caption this. @shawnleo510 @uglybartender 1w

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zmcphail1 These kids got me twisted. 1w

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zmcphail1 Had hella fun at #MonsterJam tonight! I feel so blessed that I have boys and can do fun stuff like this lol #MonsterTrucks #OaklandColiseum 1w

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zmcphail1 Aiden just lost his first tooth!!! #BigBoyStatus 2w

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