sgrstk Ha, kidding -- I'm fucking handsome. 7h

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sgrstk This is how you look standing in line, hugging the velvet rope, trying to get into an overpriced club. 21h

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sgrstk Sleeves are bullshit. #oldfuckingphoto 1d

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sgrstk It's on my To-Do List, right after I stop doing all the things I enjoy. 2d

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sgrstk SUNDAY SCHOOL: Everybody’s peed in a public pool at least once. (Don’t fucking lie.) It’s ok. Maybe you were young, maybe you were drunk, maybe your mom was a crackhead and you simply weren’t taught any better. Either way: not your fault. Besides, peeing in a large body of water is kind of like a rite of passage. And in Ancient Egypt, you didn’t just pee in the public swimming hole — you tried to have sex with it — in front of everybody. (Talk about a fucking show-off.) You see, the Egyptians believed the world was created by the god, Atum, who not only created himself, but everything and everyone. So what did the lonely god do all day after creating himself? He didn't have friends, he didn’t have Netflix, he didn’t have a barbeque — the dude must have been bored as hell. So, like bored dudes do, he jerked off. A lot. And let his dick snot float into outer space. You know, just to see what happens. And, BAM! The universe, the planets, well, everything, came from this dude’s floating space junk. So how did the Egyptians honor a god so magnificent and fertile? Easy, the men reenacted the great event. (I’m sure some women tried too, but sex changes didn’t work as well back then.) Anyway, the Egyptians believed the ebb and flow of the Nile River (rise and fall of the tides) aligned with Atum’s continual daily moments of godly self-love. Here’s how it worked: The Pharaoh would ritually stimulate himself into the river, thus, ensuring an abundance of water. For the rest of the men, it was just a big circle jerk on the shore. You could always spot the newbs at these public events — they were the ones who forgot their sandals and later spent all night cleaning their feet. (Circle Jerk Rule Number 1: Bring your fucking flip-flops.) And yes, it's safe to assume any guy wearing flip-flops just jerked off in a public park. They're fucking creeps... Huh, you just learned something new. You’re welcome, isn’t history badass? Well, enjoy the rest of your Sunday, and if you find yourself surrounded by a bunch of dudes getting their dicks out, keep your shoes on. (And immediately leave whatever fraternity you're at.) #SundaySchool 2d

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sgrstk My psychiatrist has the coolest office. 3d

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sgrstk The bears ate all my clothes, but not the potato chips. Seriously, how the fuck does that even happen? Worst. Party. Ever. #TBT 5d
  •   megpec88 At least the bear was decent enough to take a picture so you could have this moment forever... and no wonder he took your clothes in the first place everything about this says "come at me bro" 5d
  •   ju_jucentric Throw those red shorts away. You are not a 10 year old girl riding her scooter in the 70's. Right? 5d
  •   luigilira Hilarious as usual. Very good 5d
  •   amyc216 Why you're wearing a winter hat in the middle of summer is the bigger question. 5d
  •   javamonkey9 Hottie boombottie 4d
  •   ambercm1976 You have the knee high socks to go with those shorts? 22h

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6d sgrstk
X-Pro II The Captain
sgrstk End of discussion. Now take your opinion and put it back in the litter box with the rest of the shit in your house. 6d

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sgrstk #WCW - This girl. Her contouring is fucking terrible, but those eyebrows won me over. 6d

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sgrstk This is how hot and sweaty your boyfriend feels when you force him to cuddle while you're sleeping. It's fucking gross. #goodnight 7d

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sgrstk Kevin, you don't need a girlfriend. You need a fucking job. 1w

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sgrstk #MCM - "Ship hits an iceberg. Boom, boom." 1w

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sgrstk SUNDAY SCHOOL: Traveling, drinking, fighting, prostitutes. Just another day in the life of infamous Chinese pirate, Captain Cheng. (Let’s not get into the differences of Cantonese and other dialects, I’m simplifying these names down for you.) Now, Cheng commanded one of the largest documented pirate fleets in history; ransacking the South China Sea he called home. But even Cheng wanted more from life, so in 1801 he married a prostitute who simply went by the name, Cheng I Sao, basically “Wife of Cheng.” Not only was she gorgeous, but she was as equally good at handling a sword as she was handling a dick (see above). Oh, and like any good harlot, she was EXTREMELY business savvy. Together, the husband-and-wife team pillaged and plundered for six years expanding their empire until 1807, the year Capt. Cheng died. The end? Nope, the beginning. Ching Shih (no longer somebody’s wife) continued to build her empire with an iron fist — and played dudes like the dumbasses they are when around an attractive woman — you know, like what smart bartenders and servers do. And within a few years, Ching Shih became the most powerful pirate in history; controlling more than 1,500 ships and a crew of 80,000. (Seriously, Google it, she was what the Chinese call, “a bad bitch.” She was like Beyoncé, but with street cred.) In fact, she was so smart and so powerful the Chinese government eventually gave up trying to defeat her and in 1810 offered her complete amnesty if she would just retire. So she did. With all her money, all her fame, and all her power. I mean, if the Chinese give up fighting you that’s some serious shit, because that culture is all about holding grudges, being patient, and doing whatever they have to in order to defeat an enemy. Anyway, after retiring, Ching Shih opened a gambling house and just chilled until 1844; she died a grandmother and certified BB4L: Bad Bitch 4 Lyfe. [Insert gang sign here.] Well, you just learned something new — you’re welcome. (Oh, and this picture is obviously not her, but when I started viewing pictures of Asian pirates it got real weird, real quick. So I chose a samurai, even though it’s Japanese. Domo arigato, Google.) #SUNDAYSCHOOL 1w

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sgrstk Hangover: A deep feeling of regret experienced in the morning to early-afternoon hours when an individual thinks about who (or what) they were hanging out with the night before. Hangover-inducing hangouts are often accompanied by the use of drugs or alcohol. Leading many individuals to blame their feelings of death on the consumption of a substance, when actually, these intense feelings of depression can be directly attributed to poor decision-making when choosing "friends" for the night. Hangovers can physically manifest in the form of headaches, body aches, and upset stomach. Proven cures include (but are not limited to): greasy food, hot showers, beer, spicy tomato-based alcoholic drinks, prolonged bouts of napping, and entire seasons on Netflix. Hangovers are a part of life, shit happens, learning to recover is the secret to success. 1w

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sgrstk Let me start your weekend with this. 2w

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sgrstk Check out this old photo from back when I was a boy scout. I bet you'll never guess which one I am. But damn, we sure were excited to see those girls that day. As scouts, we didn't have a lot of time to meet the ladies, we were too busy working on our merit badges; like archery, fishing, tent pitching, and handjobs (I got that merit badge twice). So you could imagine how excited we were to have some babes around us. My buddy, Ricky, the one letting the girl stand on his back (he always had a thing for that dominatrix shit) asked that girl to marry him that day with a ring he found in our scout leader's backpack. It vibrated and everything — it was really fucking cool. I still don't know why she said, "No." Ricky was a stud and his dad owned a strip club; that girl would have been set for life. FOR LIFE. Actually, now that I think about it, the last time I heard from Ricky he was needing a ride because some prostitute stole his car when he got out to grab a set of brass knuckles from the trunk (remember what I said about that dominatrix shit). Ha, classic Ricky. So actually, that girl totally dodged a bullet by not marrying him... Oh man, being a kid was awesome. I miss these dudes. 2w

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sgrstk And any guy with a pet name for his privates, is already in a relationship with himself. You're welcome for the dating tip. #TBT 2w

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