sgrstk He's trying to build his empire, who are you to stand in his way? 13h

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3d sgrstk
X-Pro II The Captain
sgrstk In other words, you've already crossed that line, so you might as well include some career advice with your picture. 3d

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sgrstk Every girl loves wine. And that’s cool, it’s good to have a hobby. But, did you know in Ancient Rome women were forbidden to drink wine? Yeah, for-fucking-bidden, in Rome-fucking-Italy. You know, the country known for its extensive wine history. In fact, drinking wine was considered such a serious offense, a man was allowed to divorce his wife if he caught her guzzling the Grigio, chugging the Chianti, swigging the Soave, drinking the… Ok, I think you get the point. (FYI - The last known Roman divorce on basis of “wine-o wife” was somewhere around 194 B.C.) Seriously, a housewife drinking wine was what the Romans considered a “major fault.” And it ranked right up there with adultery. Because the Romans believed drinking wine led to bad decisions — like adultery. First off, duh. Of course drinking wine leads to bad decisions. That’s why drinking wine and other intoxicants is good for you, it helps you learn from your mistakes. Second, fuck the Romans. If you’re so worried your wife having a drink will cause her to cheat on you, maybe you should get your fucking priorities in order and stop being such a dick. And maybe hit the gym every once in a while. Go wrestle with some dudes in the courtyard or something. Make yourself look like one of those buff-ass statues you see all over town. There’s a reason women love watching the sweaty gladiators kill each other. And the reason is muscles. You think Hercules would have to worry about his lady getting drunk and falling on some other dude’s dick? No, Hercules is buff as hell. He looks like his dad created him using Photoshop or some shit. My point is: Wine wasn’t the problem with Roman relationships, it was their saggy man tits and controlling attitudes.
Huh, just when you thought you knew everything about wine, you learned something new. I guess even wine snobs can benefit from a Sunday School lesson every now and then. You’re welcome. Now, open a bottle, or a box (depends on what your last paycheck looked like), and celebrate your newfound knowledge. Oh, and if you ever find yourself trapped in a room full of wine like Heather here — wine corks float. Build a raft. #SUNDAYSCHOOL
3d

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sgrstk Tonight is hard. 4d

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sgrstk Ha, this dog can't even tell I'm flipping him off. In his words, "I ain't got time to see my haterz." He's too busy trying to get through life with one eye and whatnot. Focusing on himself, getting shit done. 5d

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sgrstk #FBF - I've seen enough scary movies to know: If you don't want your kid to become a possessed, haunted, little fuck, all you have to do is follow three simple rules. One, don't move into an old-ass house and expect your children to play with the creepy, wooden toys left behind by the deceased. It's not 1922 — buy your kid an iPad and pre-load that iOS garbage with Temple Run. (You'll thank me later when your family sleeps at night because your child didn't awaken the dead by toying with some weird, satanic rocking horse.) Two, don't give your kids crayons. Without these, children can't draw disturbing crap like aliens, family stabbings, or the old woman who visits them at night. Out of sight, out of mind. In fact, you might as well play it safe and not give them anything artistic at all — this includes music lessons — next thing you know, innocent little Damien is summoning the devil with Nickelback covers on his clarinet. And that my friends, brings us to number three. Stop giving your kids freaky fucking names like Damien, Aiden, Jack, Beyonce, or Chad. Seriously, Chad? Come on, you might as well name your child "Lucifer's Pen Pal" because you know that little shit will be talking with Satan years before he talks to a girl. 5d

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sgrstk Seriously, do this whenever you're feeling a little down. You know, like your life is worthless and uneventful. It happens to all of us. And I'm telling you, seeing all the stupid fucking shit some people think is amazing about their own life will oddly make you feel better about yours. I mean, the last time I did this, I saw a picture of a girl holding a worm. (An actual worm, not a small penis.) If that doesn't make you feel better about your own situation, I don't know what will. #TBT 6d

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sgrstk #TBT - Maybe I'm just feeling cocky after the weekend, but a few more of these and I could probably fly this plane myself. Now, I've never piloted a plane before, so I've kept it responsible with Diet Coke instead of that full-sugar shit. (Because trust me, you don't want me behind the controls all hopped up and hyper like some 19-year-old biology major dressed as a mermaid in the middle of a six-day Adderall binge at some bullshit EDM festival.) But, in the event the airline does allow me to fly this plane, this is how it would go down: Ahem, this is your captain speaking, I know you have a choice when you fly — and I want to apologize for having to fly with me since I've never done this before — but I saw Denzel do it upside down in a movie once and he was fucking hammered. However, in the event of a not-so-stellar landing, it's my pleasure to inform you the Wi-Fi will be free for the remainder of the flight. Allowing you to update your status, tweet, text, and do whatever else you deem necessary to let everyone know how you really feel about them before you die; I'm up here taking and sending pictures of my dick as we speak. Over and out. 6d

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6d sgrstk
X-Pro II The Captain
sgrstk Ignore everything your manager tells you about life. 6d

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sgrstk This is what it would look like if I cut off my beard and replaced it with a large human hand. I kinda like it; you can never have too many hands. 7d

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1w sgrstk
X-Pro II The Captain
sgrstk He wasn't complaining about your smokey fucking eyes the night he met you. Tell him to suck it up and stop being the bitch in the relationship. 1w

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sgrstk Feeding my shark some peanut butter before I go to the gym. He fucking loves it. 1w

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sgrstk "Dad, nobody came to my wedding! WHY?!" ... Uhhhh, probably because you're a bitch with a short, controlling boyfriend, Ashley. 1w

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sgrstk God, I want to get licked by a bear so bad. This dude is living the dream. 1w

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sgrstk First, Happy Father’s Day (back off moms, you already had your turn). Second, as much as you don’t like to admit it, your dad was probably pretty fucking cool when he was your age. And, I’m sure he has a perfectly good reason for disappearing for 17 years — like the kids from his other family were more accepting of his ‘cool guy’ reputation. Hell, he had a leather jacket AND a motorcycle. He was free, he was the fucking man. And then you came along. Shit, no more biker gang, time to go to school and become a fucking dentist. Because kids are expensive, and life insurance is damn near impossible to get when you’re running with a rough crowd. And now, today’s Sunday School lesson: In 1912, Halsey Taylor invented the drinking fountain in honor of his dad. THE FUCKING DRINKING FOUNTAIN. Everybody, everywhere, has used a drinking fountain. And Halsey dedicated this incredibly popular and useful invention to none other than his old man. Why? Halsey’s dad died of typhoid fever after drinking contaminated public water — so Halsey dedicated his life to water sanitation. Because, prior to his invention of the jet stream dispenser you’ve been slobbering on since grade school, the public drinking fountain was, well, a water fountain. Except it had a chain attached to a small metal cup that could be dipped into the water to take a drink. (And you thought sharing a Coke was gross.) Well — you just learned something — you’re welcome for yet another educational Sunday. So what are you waiting for? Go call your dad, you fucking bum. Halsey Taylor created something that will live on in history forever and ever in honor of his old man. The least you can do is take 20 minutes to tell your dad he doesn’t suck. Seriously, all he wants is a moment of your time to show you appreciate all the shit he gave up for you. I mean, he could be running deep with the Hell’s Angels right now, living the life of some handsome-ass outlaw like that pretty, blonde dude from “Sons of Anarchy.” Now, if you’ll excuse me, I need to go get a gift certificate for father-son cooking lessons. Come this time next year, Dad and I will be making some bomb-ass quesadillas. Maybe even queso dip. #SUNDAYSCHOOL 1w

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sgrstk It's hot outside, and I'm about to trade this beer for a back massage. 1w

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sgrstk Like I said earlier, summer officially starts in TWO DAYS. In other words, there's still time. 2w

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sgrstk It's that time of year again -- summer officially starts this Sunday. #FuckSandals 2w

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