2w sgrstk
Normal The Captain
sgrstk #MCM - This guy. He doesn't give a shit what his friends say about his girlfriend. 2w

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sgrstk Five years ago, if you would have told me I would one day own a huge painting entitled "Prison Sex" made from actual Playboys found during the clean out of a prison. I would have said, "A man can only dream..." Well, it happened, and this is easily the best thing I've ever brought home while drunk. Last night was a mess. 3w

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sgrstk Alright, here's the deal: I am BEYOND hungover today. (Feels like a cat used my head as a litter box.) So, the chances of getting a new Sunday School lesson out of me are slim to none. But, here's my favorite from a few months back: Spiders (a.k.a. Arachnids) are named after a famous spat between two women. Weird, right? Not really, it makes total sense. So here's what happened: A girl named Arachne loved to weave. She would weave hats, sweaters, mittens, you know, all sorts of warm and comfortable things. But, this extraordinary skill made Athena (yes, the goddess) very jealous. Why? I have no fucking idea, Athena was the goddess of wisdom; she was smart as shit — and brains are fucking hot. So really, Athena had no reason to be jealous of Arachne, but if I was to take a stab at why, I would assume Arachne's skills were getting her tons of dates, tons of dudes, and tons of play. (She was probably really good with her hands in more ways than one. The only girl in Greece that could weave sheets and then fuck you in them.) Anyway, the day came when Athena had finally had enough of Arachne's sweater-weather ways, and thus, desired to turn Arache into something hideous in order to destroy her dating life. And BAM! The spider was born. But you know what? Arache didn't give a fuck! In fact, the transformation didn't hurt her game at all. With a waist-to-butt ratio that would make Sir Mix-A-Lot proud, she kept weaving and doing her thing. (Nice try Athena, dudes love that crazy-curvy shit.) Seriously, you want to see the perfect hourglass body, Google some spider porn. The only difference after the change: instead of weaving sweaters, Arache began weaving webs. Equally as effective at trapping men, and a lot less work — one size fits all.

Well look at that, you just learned something new today. You're welcome. #SundaySchool
3w

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3w sgrstk
X-Pro II The Captain
sgrstk Be careful out there. 3w

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3w sgrstk
X-Pro II The Captain
sgrstk Like I've said before, I'm not one to believe in superstitious hocus pocus — but in true Friday the 13th fashion — I always wear my lucky shirt. Ok, so maybe I don't really believe in luck, but I do believe in magic and mythical creatures, like: gnomes, Bigfoot, the boogie man, and the ghost of Amy Winehouse. In fact, for those of you that didn't already know, the ghost of Amy appeared to me one time to tell me she wasn't going to rehab. She was all like, "No, no, no." And I was all like, "Whoa, ghost of Amy! You do exist! But why would you need to go to rehab? You've been clean since July of 2011. So unless there's some sort of fantastical cocaine bridge you crossed on your way to the other side — I think you're good. Now, the real question is, how many wishes do I get? I mean, c'mon Amy, the world might think you're an angel, but you're not fooling me. Your makeup is clearly that of a genie. Ahem, wish number one..." 3w

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3w sgrstk
X-Pro II The Captain
sgrstk "Bro, I just got dat fresh Ellen Degeneres cut." #TBT 3w

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sgrstk #WCW - Taylor Swift. I love what she's done with her bangs. 3w

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sgrstk Girls love scary movies. 3w

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sgrstk I'm seeing a lot of pizza posts today in honor of "National Pizza Pie Day," so allow me to reiterate: I've never seen an "eternal" pizza in all my life. If it takes you more than thirty minutes to eat a pie (hardly a timeframe I would consider eternal), then your love for pizza is nothing but a cheesy, high school crush. Pun intended. Because if you really loved pizza eternally, you couldn't help but devour and consume each slice — crust and all — like a puppy devouring the face of a small child with his wild puppy tongue. The way I see it, pizza consumption should be like sex: no forks, no napkins, no excuses, immediate regret. I get that your love for pizza may feel eternal at times — like my love for Catherine Zeta-Jones did back in '99 — but even that faded with each pregnancy and misguided red carpet appearance. My point is, nothing in life is eternal. Not pizza, not Catherine's Entrapment booty, not your current boyfriend or girlfriend, not the attention you currently receive when you wear yoga pants, or the painful burning you currently experience when you piss (trust me, it gets better) — nothing lasts forever. So my advice to you: don't be too picky, don't get attached. Learn to eat and date anything; you'll always be happy as long as your mouth is full and your tongue is busy. There's more to life than pizza. 3w

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4w sgrstk
X-Pro II The Captain
sgrstk Seriously Carol, nobody is trying to stalk you. 4w

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sgrstk Sunday School: Seeing as how Sunday is generally associated with church, it only makes sense to have today's lesson involve graham crackers. Yup, graham crackers. Why? Well, I'm going to tell you. Graham crackers were created by Presbyterian minister, Sylvester Graham, in 1829 as part of "The Graham Diet." (I know this next part is going to sound like total bullshit, but it's the fucking truth. You need to keep in mind, humans have believed some pretty ridiculous crap throughout the years. Like the earth was flat, the moon was made of cheese, and tattooing on your eyebrows is a good idea.) So here it is: Graham believed his crackers would stop someone from masturbating — A.K.A. "using your imagination" — something we encourage all kids to do. So when you build a gingerbread house using graham crackers, you're really just building a house that will never see any action. Stop being so damn lazy and make some actual gingerbread. Anyway, Graham preached that clean, untainted food supports a clean, untainted mind, and thus, suppresses the urge to butter your own biscuit. (It's important to note the original recipe for graham crackers was basically just flour and water.) Why did Pastor Graham hate people using their imaginations so much? I have no idea, probably something he read in a book. So, if you had a problem teasing your weasel, Pastor Graham would put you on his diet regimen of crackers, vegetables, fresh milk, and eggs. No spices, no sweeteners, no happiness. It was pretty much the food equivalent of dry humping in your jeans with the lights off. Now, I don't know about you, but it would take a hell of a lot more than some boring-ass food to keep me from grinding my sausage. Something like a glove covered in thumb tacks, or anything slightly resembling a garbage disposal. But even then, I'd probably risk it if I saw a lady in one of those old-timey corsets. Needless to say, Graham was a square, but his beliefs did encourage a man by the name of John Harvey Kellogg to create a rather popular cereal called "Corn Flakes." And there you have it, another Sunday, another fact learned. You're welcome. 4w

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4w sgrstk
Normal The Captain
sgrstk The dude before me sneezed all over this mirror. Before it popped, one of the spit bubbles looked like the Volkswagen logo. I bet I can guess what he drives. 4w
  •   puar_ Hot 4w
  •   nikiiroxette 4w
  •   brunabuenobarreiro Ta querendo ficar assim @joelbarreiro ? 4w
  •   mr._hyde83 What the hell happened to our Sunday school lesson? 4w
  •   cosmogirl601 Have mercy, such a good looking man!:) 4w
  •   rn_girl4 Yeah Capt - where'd Sunday School go?? You pullin a Brian Williams?? 4w
  •   irenev88 Not sure how I got to this picture but....yeah, interesting. 3w
  •   goodnorth_co Gross!! Can I send you one of my company shirts?! We buy and sell taxidermy but the t's and tanks are popular at the gym. 3w

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sgrstk This is the coolest chandelier/dildo I've ever seen. 4w

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sgrstk I didn't do a ton of research on this — mostly just what I found in dimly lit bars and the Walgreens down the street — but, I'm pretty sure this is accurate. 4w

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sgrstk Ugh, the porn selection in this hotel is terrible. Where are all the laser guns, and fire trucks, and leather couches? 4w

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4w sgrstk
Mayfair The Captain
sgrstk Damn you, Lance. And Joey. And Justin. And JC... Chris, you didn't do anything, we're good. 4w

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sgrstk Tag somebody "taken." 4w

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1mon sgrstk
X-Pro II The Captain
sgrstk While everybody is man-crushing the day away, keep this in mind: Enjoy someone's company, but don't depend on it. I mean, we all know nachos are great, but tortilla chips are still awesome when they're alone. Be like a chip and learn to be good when it's just you, because if you're not happy when you're alone, no amount of cheese will fix you. Not even guacamole could save your sorry ass. 1mon

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sgrstk Sunday School: Well, it's Super Bowl Sunday, so while you watch a bunch of dudes wearing helmets crash into each other, think about this: back in 19th-century Victorian Britain, the men didn't wear helmets on Sundays, they wore hats adorned with their lover's pubic hair. Why? Because giving someone a chunk of your crotch wig was considered a sign of affection. A sign of affection men proudly displayed pinned to their hat like a trophy. Understandable, because if you go to third base you want to bring back a souvenir. (I'm fucking serious, pube hats were the real deal.) The cool part about this: you'd never have to wonder if the carpet matched the drapes; you'd know for sure if your buddy's girl was packing some fire. Plus, for girls, it would be super easy to catch your dude cheating on you. It would happen like this, "Karl! Whose fucking clam hair is this pinned to your hat!? These aren't my curls, you two-timing son of a bitch!" And just like that, your marriage is over. (Nice job, Karl.) Anyway, we're only two weeks away from Valentine's Day, and chances are you won't even be able to get your boyfriend to wear that shirt you bought him last Valentine's Day, now imagine trying to get him to wear a tuft of pubes on his head. Now THAT would be a true measure of your love. You should probably ask him to do it. And I'm talking real pubes, not that shitty attempt at a beard he already has on his face. I mean, if dudes 150 years ago could wear biscuit whiskers to show their commitment — surely your boyfriend can do it. It's so much more meaningful than a name tattoo... Trust me, I have one of those.

And there you have it. You learned something new — you're welcome. Enjoy your Sunday.
1mon

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