sgrstk Sunday School: The things some people are willing to do for beauty: surgery, crazy diets, CrossFit — society's painful, never-ending pursuit of perfection is just sad. But I feel like the Romans had the right idea. You could say they were one of the first societies to really embrace the notion of looking for beauty inside yourself. Well... kind of. Using your own piss as mouthwash to whiten your teeth is still pretty fucking vain, but it's technically also still finding something from within yourself and using it to create positive change. So I'm going to go ahead and say drinking your bladder bubbly is a healthy way to remove stains on your teeth — and your ego. In fact, urine was so widely used for stain removal in the Ancient Roman world (due to its high ammonia content), you could buy jugs of other people's piss at the local market if you had trouble producing enough yourself. Basically, if someone had an overactive bladder, some business sense, and a little ambition, they had a successful lemonade stand. (I believe it was called being an entre-pee-neur, or some other cheesy shit like that.) Anyway, I've never actually drank piss, but I had a Corona once which is pretty much the same thing. And I gotta say, it's fucking gross, but it's not nearly as bad as having teeth that look like a booklet of paint swatches from Home Depot. So the next time you look in the mirror and you're not happy with what you see smiling back at you, take a step back, unzip your pants, and do something about it.

And there you go, another Sunday, another day of learning. You're welcome. Enjoy the rest of your day. #SUNDAYSCHOOL
12h

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sgrstk Nobody's smiling today; hangovers for everyone. @heidithebutcher @henryflury @mrflury 2d

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3d sgrstk
Aden The Captain
sgrstk Tourist or Colombian drug lord? Either way, I've decided going through the airport dressed like a dirty, old man is quickly becoming one of my favorite hobbies. 3d

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sgrstk Hey, at least it's Friday, right? 3d

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sgrstk This is what I picture every time I see a dude with a top knot. 3d

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sgrstk It's been awhile since I've shared this story, so let me preface this by saying, my #WCW is — and always will be — any girl that can hold her liquor. (Sorry, women of Florida, but your hurricane season is already messy enough. I don't need to deal with your own personal shitstorm after two drinks.) Now, let me introduce you to Carrie from Seattle. This photo was taken on our first date, and let's just say, Carrie was the one that got away... She came from a rich clam chowder family; her parents didn't think I was good enough. "Well, look at me now, Mr. and Mrs. B., fuuuuuuck you. By the way, I had nothing to do with your daughter becoming a lesbian — with a name like Carrie you practically taught her to speak in tongues." Also, I've given up smoking since this picture was taken, my fourth grade teacher didn't like me asking for the hall pass every 20 minutes to go "burn one." (That's what we called it back in the 90's.) 5d

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sgrstk I don't recommend this if you're currently living together. BUT, if you're not yet living together, this is a great way to potentially accelerate that step. Hell, it'll probably even bring you closer — because you'll be there for him while he pieces the sad remnants of his life back together. 5d

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sgrstk In case you were curious about what I'd look like as a dog — here he is. 1w

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sgrstk Sunday School: There’s a lot of talk these days about zoos being cruel, and for the most part: I agree. Caging up two animals that have never met before and expecting them to fuck and live ‘happily ever after’ is pretty twisted. It’s like an arranged animal marriage. What if she’s not his type? What if she doesn’t like the way he combs his hair? What if he doesn’t even like girls? You ever thought of that? Didn't think so. Imagine you’re abducted by aliens and they randomly lock you in a cage with say, someone that’s a four on a good day, you gonna probe that? Fuck no. I’d take my chances on a metal table with the aliens and their long, cold, curious alien fingers before I’d ever lay a finger on Lady Gaga. I don’t care how long they locked me in a room with her — she’s not getting anywhere near my disco stick. The point: Aliens and zookeepers suck at matchmaking; you can't tell a different species what to like. Get a pet whisperer in there and ask the king of the jungle what HE wants. Maybe he likes Asians; set him up with a panda, let them create a new super species of lion that’s lazy as fuck and eats sticks instead of people. (Think of all the awesome creatures we’re missing out on by not letting captive animals date who they wanna date.) Now, as fucked as this is, the London zoos of the early-18th century were even more fucked. Back then, if you didn’t have the money to pay for admission, you could pay to get in by bringing a dog or cat to be fed to the lions. It was basically a food drive, but with cats instead of cans.

Well, there you go. Another Sunday down, another day of learning. You’re welcome. Now go home and hug your pets, tell them, "I would never feed you to lions for free admission to the zoo." (But threaten them with it when they start acting up, because that's just good parenting.) #SundaySchool
1w

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sgrstk Have fun tonight. 1w

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sgrstk Welcome to my home. 1w

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sgrstk I saw this billboard earlier today alerting parents to a radical new trend among teenagers. Apparently kids these days are taking body modification to the extreme by having parts of their body erased. Imagine being a parent and coming home to your kid missing half his neck; resting his head on the coffee table because his body can no longer support the weight of that big, dumb brain of his. "Oh great, first Kevin grows a soul patch and now this. God, what am I going to do with this kid — he's a fucking moron." "Dad! You don't get it, I'm just expressing myself." "Damnit, Kevin, can't you just 'express' yourself like every other kid and bitch about how bored you are on Facebook?" "You don't understand, you old bag of shit. You're not even my real dad, Carl. I wish my mom had never given you that lap dance — then you two never would have met! I hate this fucking house!" And then Kevin's body would pick up his head from the coffee table and storm upstairs... Fuck, being a parent must be hard. 1w
  •   markleby Lolz 1w
  •   durrski @erynnech This is why we can't have kids. 1w
  •   mindfulwander Wow, tis true. A whole bunch of bull shiz. We gotta go back and stop this crap from THE BEGINNING. Stop the whoring and start taking care of urself through SELFCONTROL. geez i wonder if anyone knows what that means anymore. Anyways if people could just put two and two together before they brought a human into the world and relized it takes alot of love, maturity and strength to be in ANY relationship but especially with ur own kid. Why are we suprised by these kid's behaviors when their being raised by every other emotionaly broken person on earth, except their own parents, and the true concept of a MOTHER, FATHER, HUSBAND, WIFE, are so freakin foriegn?! Lord save us from ourselves! 1w
  •   _i.am.sam.i.am_ @chimburly make sure you read this one 3d
  •   chimburly Omfg @_i.am.sam.i.am_ I needed this 3d
  •   _i.am.sam.i.am_ @chimburly isn't he wonderful?! His whole page is hilarious! And he's pretty damn hot. 3d

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sgrstk You're welcome. 1w

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2w sgrstk
Normal The Captain
sgrstk I was once, possibly, maybe, perhaps, the sheriff of a small town just outside Biloxi. #TBT 2w
  •   itsara_celi 5d
  •   betaniavg 5d
  •   varanderrima @mafe2013. Muito bom dia 5d
  •   mafe2013 @varanderrima minha nossa senhora assim vc mata a véia antes do dia acabar kkkkk 5d
  •   marielae2005 5d
  •   monsterhands_muller @laceylittle33 remember that time we snuck out of Cindy's to meet boys at the high school/park/library then had to race back when we saw her mom's headlights coming down the street? We said we had been out by the river & the only reason they didn't call our parents was because I lied my jesus-lovin face off? Yah, I feel like I wouldn't have had that credibility had this guy been our sheriff. 5d
  •   laceylittle33 @monsterhands_muller lmao yes! Ohhh the DRAMA of that night lol. You definitely saved the day. "I want Brittany to tell me where you guys were! She would never lie to me. The rest of you, shut up!" 5d
  •   laceylittle33 @monsterhands_muller also, I feel like we wouldn't have been sneaking off to see high school boys if this guy was our sheriff. We would have been setting shit on fire to get him to arrest us, hahaha. 5d

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sgrstk I don't know why they call this the green room — there's nothing green about it. 2w

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sgrstk #WCW - I don't just want a girl that eats gluten, I want a girl that fucking bathes in it. 2w

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sgrstk Thank your friends for keeping their filthy fucking hands to themselves. These birthday cards are available again; sold in a 3-pack on www.sgrstk.com (direct link in bio). 2w

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