17h sgrstk
X-Pro II The Captain
sgrstk #TBT - Speaking of assholes, why would anybody ever kidnap a kid? I mean, that's a shit ton of responsibility. Don't you already have enough stress in your life? And chances are, that kid will always hate you, no matter what you do. Unless you're planning to also kidnap a higher salary, a spare bedroom, and a trustworthy babysitter all within the same week, your life is gonna be absolute hell. Because not only is a kid like a pet you have to feed every day — even weekends — they can also talk back, learn karate, stab you in your sleep, and do a multitude of other things that make raising a stolen child a total fucking nightmare. Here's a tip: If you're sad and lonely, buy a dog. They require way less (clothes for example) and will always love you no matter how much you suck as a parent. Plus, stealing someone's kid is pretty fucked up. I mean, they probably worked really hard to make that. 17h

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sgrstk The correct use of they're, there, and their -- all in one sentence. Grammar, fuck yeah. 1d

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sgrstk #WCW - This could be us, but you hate picnics and have imaginary allergies. 1d

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sgrstk If you see me around later tonight, feel free to eat some poorly-drawn sushi off my body. 2d

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sgrstk I'm open to any Netflix suggestions you have for me in case this one sucks. PS - This straw tastes like potatoes. 3d
  •   until.the.ocean.takes.us.all And for a healthy does of feelings a movie called flipped. 3d
  •   carambaines True Detective, The Killing, Breaking Bad. 🏼 Or Korean Dramas on Dramafever: Boys Over Flowers, City Hunter, Pasta. 3d
  •   racheldowdyy Snatch. 3d
  •   cprater6273 Spartacus 3d
  •   inkinthread The hundred 3d
  •   mzcaz78 Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt. I laughed so hard as if I had smoke a huge blunt by myself (note- I don't do drugs anymore). I also binge on Drugs Inc., Gangland, and Locked up Abroad. Shit, I sound crooked. Oh well.. 3d
  •   gtrain_2013 American Mary @sgrstk 2d
  •   plsnodouchebags Peaky blinders 2d

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sgrstk These parents are definitely going to raise a serial killer. 4d

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sgrstk #MondayMotivation: Unless you're starting a career in porn, in that case, suck from day one and never stop. 4d

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sgrstk SUNDAY SCHOOL: Everybody always thinks they’re so funny and original when they give their privates a nickname. Like, “Hey babe, allow me to introduce you to my balls, Harold and Kumar. If you’re lucky, they’ll take you to the White Castle.” And don’t even start shaking your head, ladies -- girls do the same stupid shit. Except instead of trying to be really clever, girls give their lady parts weird foreign names like Helga, Olga, or some other equally aggressive crap. I mean, I understand you’re trying to make it sound powerful and mysterious, but honestly, you’re making your vagina sound like a crazy Russian vampire with an unquenchable thirst for dick. (See above.) So what does all of this have to do with today’s lesson? Well, when Captain James Cook stayed with the Ancient Hawaiian people in the 1770s, he was introduced to a culture utterly obsessed with naming their private parts. In fact, naming your junk was such a significant part of Hawaiian culture at the time, almost everybody had their own “mele ma‘i”— a.k.a. genital chant. These chants were a way to describe your crotch puppet to the rest of the tribe without actually showing them. This is something both males and females participated in, and I imagine a mele ma‘i sounded a lot like a rap verse: full of exaggeration. It was basically your chance to start some rumors about the size, shape, and strength of your equipment. Now, fast-forward to 2015. I get it, you’re proud of what your momma gave you, but there is obviously nothing original about nicknaming your privates — fuck boy/basic bitch move for sure. So the next time someone comes at you with a nickname for their junk, just be like, “Pfffft, that's so 1774. And this isn't even Hawaii, it's West Virginia." ... Well, there you have it. Another Sunday, another history lesson. You’re welcome. #SundaySchool 4d

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5d sgrstk
X-Pro II The Captain
sgrstk College kids asking stupid questions at the bar last night. 5d

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sgrstk Dating people you meet online. 5d

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sgrstk Dude, she has priorities. 7d

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sgrstk #TBT - Today has sucked. Burritos don't suck. In fact, I have yet to find something I can't cure with a burrito. I had Chickenpox as a kid, so my mom went to Taco Bell... BAM! Cured. Skin might as well have been Photoshopped it was so fucking flawless. A girl once told me she was pregnant -- we went out to celebrate. I told her the "Diablo del Fuego" burrito wasn't that hot and suggested she order it; knowing damn well it was like licking the surface of the sun... BAM! She didn't like me anymore, called me an asshole, and decided I wouldn't make a good father. Kiddy crisis averted. Some douche in cargo shorts tried to fight me one time in the parking lot of my favorite local spot. I went inside, placed an order to go, walked out, and beat his ass with a heavy sack of shredded chicken... BAM! Dinner and a show. #burritosoverbabies 1w

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sgrstk Well, today is my older brother's birthday (again). Some of you will remember from last year, my brother is a doctor, so he doesn't have time for all this Instagram and social media shit. I understand, but I still wish he'd get Snapchat. I'd constantly be sending him pictures of my junk to ask about strange rashes, bumps, and whatnot... "Bro, does this look like herpes?" ... Anyway, since he doesn't use Instagram there's really no point of posting a picture of him. But his name is Ryan, so here's a picture of Ryan Gosling -- counting money -- like I imagine doctors do. 1w

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sgrstk I don't know who this Boats-and-Hoes gang thinks they are, but if they think they can just start taggin' around my turf -- they're fucking wrong. 1w

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sgrstk FACT: Any dude sending you pictures of his penis thinks he can rap, and the only thing worse than an unsolicited dick pic, is an unsolicited link to download a mixtape. 1w

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sgrstk SUNDAY SCHOOL: Well, since today is Mother’s Day, it only makes sense for today’s lesson to involve parenting. So, turn your eyes back upward and admire this incredible critter cage for a minute. This was a real thing in London during the 1930s; marketed as an outdoor activity space for apartment-dwelling families. Yeah, it’s a kennel. A baby human isn’t that different from a baby dog anyway. (Except there’s no such thing as an ugly puppy.) Plus — as an added bonus — the ‘playroom with a view’ allowed pigeons to easily post up and shit on your kid. It was a great way to prepare them for being shit on later in life, by friends, co-workers, and you know, society. Surprisingly though, this cage wasn’t just invented as a place for birds to shit on infants, its invention was actually rooted back to the late 1890s, when Dr. Luther Emmett Holt authored a book describing the necessity of “airing” out your children. The belief was: Exposing them to fresh air early and often helped prevent disease, renew blood, and I don’t know, give them a sweet fucking tan I guess. Personally, I couldn’t imagine having a baby in an apartment and NOT having one of these. But, I can definitely see why this apparatus didn’t gain too much popularity. One, it looks sketchy as fuck. Two, it’s too small. It looks like there’s only room for one, maybe two kids; what if you’re one of those human gerbils that pops out like five or six? Three, it doesn’t seem sanitary. I have a feeling the neighbor living directly above you would quickly begin using your kiddy kennel as a garbage. Next thing you know, little Timmy is chewing on cigarette butts and orange peels. (Ew, fruit skin.) Here’s an idea: If Timmy needs some fresh air, take him to the fucking park. Join one of those mommy power walking groups or some shit. Get your act together, Carol.

Well, there you have it, you just learned something new. You’re welcome. Now go thank your mom for not raising you in a cage; take her out for a rootbeer float or some other wholesome activity. You can get drunk with your friends again next Sunday, you fucking bum. #SundaySchool
2w

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sgrstk I'm extending my offer from last year in case you're out shopping for a last-minute gift today. 2w

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sgrstk What secret? She married him for his money. She lets him creepily kiss her in public, pretends his dick still works, and when he dies -- she's fucking rich. Nice try, Nancy Drew, but there is absolutely nothing mysterious about a young woman hugging an old cock. Good for her, she has a retirement plan. 2w

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sgrstk Friday night advice. You're welcome. 2w

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