mattonlymoore When life gives you onions but you're like nah 2w

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mattonlymoore Important to stay warm out there today, you guys. 3w

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mattonlymoore Mom remains unimpressed by this Limited Edition, Handmade, One-of-a-Kind, Human Beard Hair Nutcracker. What is a son to do? 2mon
  •   jasonkreher This one is horrible 2mon
  •   jordan_goodwin 🏼🏼🏼🏼 2mon
  •   dank33 Looks like me most of the time. 2mon
  •   aharp23 Your sweet poor darling mother. Bless her little heart. 2mon

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mattonlymoore Grandma really upping her present game this year. #merrychristmas 2mon

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mattonlymoore As the flight attendant got on the intercom to read the proposal I had written, @yukinosaurus woke up and wasn't quite sure what was happening. I asked her to marry me in Japanese and she said yes. Everyone on the plane cheered and all of a sudden we were engaged. I don't normally enjoy flying but Delta 4235 was a good one. 2mon
  •   xo_vanessa Well done! 2mon
  •   alexandrashelford Congrats!!! Love you two!! xoxo 2mon
  •   dshelford Congrats! Woohoo! 2mon
  •   yalexbehles Yaaaay! 2mon
  •   slw_n_stdy Congrats dude. 2mon
  •   atlcorrie Lucky girl 2mon
  •   narcokaye Congrats matt and Yukino may your half Asian babies be as adorable as ours 2mon
  •   creaturecomfort_ I was supposed to be your first ex wife! haha congrats buddy! happy for you, now bring her to Portland so we can celebrate at sassy's 3w

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mattonlymoore Mom continues to #Banksy me by sending the mug I painted in grade school to my place of work so my coworkers can see how bad I was / am at drawing. Thanks mom! 2mon

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mattonlymoore S O L D Guess I have to write a new Instagram bio. @mutzenpapa any ideas? 2mon
  •   joe1984 You'll meet again 2mon
  •   mrcarter 2mon
  •   foty Here's one "My name is Matt and I make bad decisions like selling my Ford Ranchero." 2mon
  •   jasonkreher Good riddance 2mon
  •   mutzenpapa You're in luck because I'm drug drunk post surgery and I totally understand drugs now and everything is going to be fantastic starting with your bio. Let's call a strategic briefing ASAP I'll bring paper and tape FUCK AND PENCILS 2mon
  •   aharp23 Get out of my dreams and into my subway car. 2mon
  •   mattonlymoore @mutzenpapa ️🖊🕹2mon
  •   trims440 1mon

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mattonlymoore Hear that? It’s the voice of your old man inside your head. And it’s getting louder and louder. “Throw the ball harder, Alice.” he’s saying, “Why don’t you put your purse down?” he’s asking. It’s time to answer dad’s questions with 325 horses of I-don’t-want-your-life. The ‘68 Ranchero GT may not solve all your problems, but the 390 big-block V8 is certainly loud enough to drown them out. So when you see dad in your rearview mirror, choking on the tire smoke you just bequethed, you’ll rest easy in your cool new muscle car, knowing he will most likely pass away before you do. 3mon
  •   slugdogmillionaire 10/10 3mon
  •   hanseirik Matt this is pretty funny but maybe not the best way to sell your car. Have you tried putting an ad on Craigslist or in The Oregonian? We're happy to keep it in our carport for a little while but @jasonkreher and I need to see you put forth a real effort. All we've seen are jokes so far. 3mon
  •   caseykreher Yeah this #rancherorhetoric has gone too far let uncle Casey get it right for ya 3mon

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mattonlymoore Sure, your boss may make five times your salary and yeah, maybe he belongs to that country club you can’t get into and fine ok, he’s got a lake house that he invites all the branch managers to each summer and yes it looks like a really good time from the photos. But you know what your boss doesn’t have? He doesn’t have a muscle car whose uproarious V8 engine makes his wife’s panties puddle. Technically he may rank superior in the laws of business, but the laws of Darwin rank otherwise. So in the spirit of progress, buy this car, bang his wife and move mankind forward. 3mon

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mattonlymoore I'm selling my 1968 Ford Ranchero GT 390 so I bought some magazine ads from 1968 and reworked them to make more sense. Full, readable ads on link in profile. #RancheroReady 3mon

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mattonlymoore ️BACKINTHESADDLE 3mon

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mattonlymoore We out here. 3mon

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