imkristen_ "remember that it is our souls which are god’s joy; not on account of what they do for him, but on account of what he does for them. all that he asks of them is to gladly accept his kindness, his generosity, his tolerance, his fatherly love." "often the souls we try to help are inclined to suspect us only of loving them because of the goal to which we want to lead them. they would rather – and quite rightly – believe that we only desire to support them because we love them. love them, therefore, and without any hidden intention." abbé de tourville • words i could dwell on for a long time. ️ pc / @shannon.12 1d

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imkristen_ "cause you were just a small bump, unborn for four months then torn from life. maybe you were needed up there but we're still unaware as why." ed sheeran • miscarrying for the first time, for me, was such a specific experience. laying with naked legs spread out, shifting on the suddenly noticeably-loud paper, watching a still, silent screen. a few days later leaving the emergency room with instructions to, basically, come back if you're bleeding to death or passed out. trying to decide if we should to get on our flight in two hours or wait in los angeles for "things to happen." deciding to fly and go to faraway peaceful places in my concentration with lots of calm slow breathing all flight, praying i wouldn't end up doing this 30,000 feet over phoenix. landing safely. going into a relatively big medical event with no training or help or "look for this" or educated support. just two twenty-something's in a bathroom digging through a tub, googling images trying to match up what we were seeing. finding my shopping bags filled with clothes i bought for him in my tucked in suitcase. wrapping him up in a blue towel, sealing him in a ziploc and seeing the "package" on the counter the next morning. driving to our land in oklahoma to bury him. choosing his name on our drive over while i held my hands around his box, similar to how i hold my bump when i'm pregnant. putting his life into the dirt and covering it up. feeling, once again, completely supported and loved by my people. so many specific firsts, so many especially strong memories for me. caleb and i talked this morning about how different our life would be if he had lived: we wouldn't have had our house liveable, we wouldn't have moved to oklahoma yet, we wouldn't have traveled to montreal and nyc and the bahamas this winter, rowdy would have a little brother, we'd probably even be talking about when we'd have baby number three. caleb asked how i was feeling today and i said "reflective." life is crazy like that. life grows you up, makes you brave, and helps you soak up all the joy you possibly can. i'll never forget the body i delivered on may 3, 2014 or the soul i'll meet beyond the rainbows. #ryandaymorris 3d
  •   erintoops 3d
  •   lindscooperj I lost my sweet Elliott Tobias in October, his due date is creeping up on us. My heart is heavy but I trust in God's plan, all things happen in His perfect will. 3d
  •   lydiajane Love you, bestie. Ryan will always be so dear to me. He "saw" so much in his weeks with us. I love heaven more because I'll get to meet him one day. 3d
  •   bobbie__brown Oh goodness. I have tears for you. And yours. May God bring you peace each day.... 3d
  •   mrsremi Love you. 3d
  •   lauraradniecki God bless you, Kristen. Praying for you all. 3d
  •   ally_michele Love you friend. 3d

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imkristen_ good lord. my boy. with those believing eyes, and all the wonderful and funny things you think. i found my baby book from 1989 last night, and in it my mom wrote "dear kristen, i hope you never feel like you have to prove yourself to me. i hope you know how completely loved you are already and always." her hope was her heartbeat as a mother, and it came to pass. she made me feel liked and loved and very welcomed in her life. and when he looks in my eyes, even for a few seconds, like he feels the same way with me as i did with her, everything is beautiful. amidst the constant chatter, and his little toe print bruises on my thighs from his climbing, and asking to watch "peppa pig, mama!", and trying to drink my berry smoothie on his own (and mostly failing), and losing his s*** for unsolvable reasons, and darling ditties he says out loud, and his love of holding hands, and calling the swiped poo on his finger "peanut butter!", and that awful growl/hiss he does when he's mad, and how he always sleeps under the covers with mickey mouse in the crook of his arm, and how he's expressive and communicative with his emotions ("roostie sad. roostie so sad." "roostie happy! roostie clappin'!"), and his great dumping skills, and his great playing alone skills, and his moist-cheeked sleep face with husky breaths, he likes to be with me. he would hang with me all day. he grows a few shades brighter when we play. he's concerned when he can tell i'm disappointed. and he begs to do every fun thing together "more again! more again!" it's as if his little love cup steams from warmth. so now i carry that hope from one side of history to another: i hope you never feel like you need to prove yourself to me. i hope you know how completely loved you are already and always. 6d

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imkristen_ this year, my first as a homeschool teacher, we learned about the ancient european guild system in sixth grade history. "an aspiring master would have to pass through the career chain from apprentice to journeyman before he could be elected to become a master craftsman. he would then have to produce a sum of money and a masterpiece before he could actually join the guild. if the masterpiece was not accepted by the masters, he was not allowed to join the guild, possibly remaining a journeyman for the rest of his life." tonight i spent an hour at caleb's current client's home. he's wrapping up an unbelievable renovation (i should show you a "before and after." but the "after" is still crazy on its own). the husband of the home bragged to me about caleb's precise attention to detail. "see how he left just enough room for the stone to fit perfectly inside the moulding? most people wouldn't do that." his wife added "people don't build like this anymore. they just don't. he truly is a master craftsman." april 28, four years ago, he asked me to be his girlfriend. he told me "i think if we were in love, we could do anything." it's been the joy of my life to watch his prediction come to pass; to be in the good of love with such a master. 1w

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imkristen_ the three of us were laying in bed well after noon on sunday, enjoying sweet sweet rest together. rowdy pulled up the covers and found my soft stomach. "squisz-shee!" "yeah, mama is so squishy! roostie, do you see those?" i traced my white stretch mark remains. "those are from when roostie was in mommy. did you know you lived inside mommy? and you grew and grew and stretched me out! that's where you were!" he has the best 'serious listening face,' and he was seriously listening. "see," i pointed out while letting him squish along and put his fingers in my self-consciously deep belly button, "roostie used to be a little baby and live inside mommy!" without skipping a beat he said, in perfect, unbroken english, "oh! thank you, mama!" and gave my stretch marks a big kiss. #hopeformotherhood #livethelittlethings #theeverydayproject #vsco #vscogrid #thevillagemagazine #honestmotherhood 1w

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imkristen_ i have clear memories from the times spent in my crib. one night the fire alarm went off and i -- in my toddler mind -- thought the sky was falling and completely panicked. i was screaming for my mom, staring at the thin yellow hallway light from behind my darkened door. when she turned the knob the room flooded with light and her face at the same time. it was poetic. ;) i remember discovering how to shoot milk from my bottle onto my lamp. i really liked when it sizzled and made a little smoke spire (oops!). i remember laying in bed on a humid summer night. the window was open and i could see my dad mowing the lawn before the sun went down. it was one of my favorite feelings. i remember sticking my skinny legs through the bars. spreading out my things (i wasn't really the "line my things up" type of kid). i wonder what he'll remember. it's fun. #livethelittlethings #theeverydayproject #vsco #vscogrid #buildingcarolwood #makingahome 2w
  •   angelamarie418 Dang, you are lucky. I barely remember last week. 2w
  •   gerrygh2 Your house looks very cool! 2w
  •   apieceofyellow My toddler likes to stick his legs through the bars too. :) 2w
  •   apieceofyellow @angelamarie418 You and me both! 2w
  •   senaalexander I would imagine it's really quite rare to have so many tangible memories so early. You're pretty lucky! How cool would it be for roo to have the same capacity to remember?? 2w
  •   itserinjames I have so many vivid memories from baby and toddlerhood, too. Daniel always makes fun of me but I really truly do remember many distinct moments that feel like yesterday + are seared in my mind! Love hearing yours 🏼🏼 2w
  •   jaevalerio I remember sleeping in the crib with my little brother when I was too scared to sleep alone, & my parents were up painting the living room the ugliest shade of green ever...& my mum walked into the room & laughed at how ridiculous I was. It's surprising how much I remember from my childhood.. 2w
  •   jodikennedy @breck_bo_n_kels you should have @stoneyhudson make you a clothes hanger like this 6d

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imkristen_ "to think that we, who thought ourselves rich before, are made so much richer now." elizabeth prentiss • i love the parts of me he's let me express and become better at -- the parts that i can't imagine will ever change. i love the parts of me that have come out of hiding because of him. i love the parts of me that didn't exist at all until i knew my roo. i love him. #hopeformotherhood #livethelittlethings #theeverydayproject #thevillagemagazine #mommabearmagazine 2w

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imkristen_ it's not man-hunt between boxberry court and shady brook lane, or getting pastel chalk all over your self from hours on the sidewalks. it's not community swimming pools, sharks-and-minnows in the well, and the ice cream truck. it isn't bike races down to the cul-de-sac or a straight shot of side-by-side backyard play-sets sharing all the families children. but it is just as good. rowdy's neighborhood makes for a super childhood. and our neighbors, though they're a couple acres away, are some of the best. life is well-rounded like that: everywhere has something important and good to offer. i'm grateful we've been able to experience a number of its places! 2w
  •   corinne_glab boxberry court and shady brook lane 2w
  •   allixryanruby country roo makes for a verrrry cute roo 2w
  •   alwaysalliemae Oh goodness, I had forgotten about man-hunt. 2w
  •   catwatson Sharks and minnows! The best, forgot about that haha 2w
  •   kendall_glab so many feels. and so glad Rowdy has such an awesome place to grow up, even if it's quite different then the one @katelynn.suzanne and I grew up in 2w
  •   breabird What a beautiful root system you're crafting for him to our build his life on. Love watching the beginnings of it unfold in these little glimpses. 2w

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imkristen_ isn't it great that we all have different ways of resting and restoring? that there are parts of life that can take such discipline and focus, but other parts we drift towards without hardly trying? it's just "what we need." i know some who just have to go for a run -- it's not hard to get out the door and be free for thirty minutes. i know others who love to tidy up and have a fresh habitat. the book-readers, the music-needers; the garden dirt, a new skirt. cheers to our funny little ways, to the simple comforts, to rest day and to my significant other: making food. #thekitchn #foodwinewomen #thefeedfeed #kitchentotable #foodaffair #gastroart #eatlocal #tacos #farmtotable #tacotuesday #buzzfeedfood #huffposttaste #f52grams #onthetable 2w
  •   chefalisonrivera Who cares about a diet!? Looks Delish. 2w
  •   ameliasouthworth I wish mine was something other than laziness. It would be so nice if my way of feeling renewed was being productive. 2w
  •   imkristen_ @ameliasouthworth well, after cooking or eating my way is definitely napping/lounging -- i think it's the best! 2w
  •   jen_farlow This is beautiful. I would totally sign up for a food photography workshop :) 2w
  •   devonlindsay89 I would sign up for the workshop where I get to eat the food after it's photographed 2w
  •   itserinjames 😛 2w
  •   hummusandbasil Well said :) 2w
  •   mrsdot I had to purposeful ignore this earlier because I had tacos for lunch. Also a slaw involving cucumber that made me think of y o u. 2w

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imkristen_ homemade corn cakes. lime rice. trader joe's asian style spicy peanut vinaigrette cooked into beans. cucumbers and cilantro and vinegar carrots. guys. #thekitchn #f52grams #foodisart #livethelittlethings #thefeedfeed #theeverydayproject #vsco #vscocam #vscogrid 3w
  •   erintoops Yurm 3w
  •   lheitland I had a meal similar to this from a food truck in Columbus, Ohio. I think it was the best meal I ever had!! Curious, is corn flour different than corn meal? 3w
  •   imkristen_ @lheitland Ah! So good! I think they're generally the same thing (ground corn) but the flour is finer... And we used that! But I'm sure you could use either! 3w
  •   catwatson Ah thank you! I am always on the lookout for tasty looking vegan meals, and this is something Matt would eat. Thanks!! 3w
  •   seasonsofjoy Gosh.. Yum! 3w
  •   mrsdot Mmm let's have that when you're here. With a side of brussel sprouts. 3w
  •   iamsampezz cool pics. check out my page! 3w
  •   catwatson I just did a version of this and Matt said it's "possibly the best dish I've ever tasted." so thanks! Not only is he a vegan but he's a fairly picky vegan so when I find a meal he likes it's a big victory 1w

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imkristen_ it's okay to be afraid about becoming a parent, afraid of how life will change, afraid of what you'll lose in the process -- actually, if there is no fear you're probably naive and in for a little surprise. but i can't think of anything that i care about in my life that hasn't scared me at some point. dating caleb. starting a business at 17 (albeit, there is far less fear the younger i was. to start a business *now* seems far more unnerving). moving out on my own. choosing to stay with my mom while she died. trying out for various sports teams. putting myself out there to befriend a stranger. standing up to someone. moving from my hometown on the east coast to the heart of oklahoma. building a house. deciding not to go to college. becoming a mom. if i can be a voice of hoorah! i'd love to be. the greater the risk, the greater the reward. maybe you, right now, couldn't "handle" those kids you know. but you, then, will become someone new for your own. they develop and empower you as a person, and show you things about yourself you needed to see. i'm not trying to talk anyone into having kids who doesn't want them, but if there are women who feel conflicted -- half longing and half petrified -- or women who are pregnant and just feeling unready: you will become better. you will become more able (and maybe not in the obvious ways. maybe for you that means more able to relax and rest, instead of having to "go go go!!" or maybe you're more like me and you'll find much needed motivation and ability. maybe you won't be like that mom, and maybe your new efforts won't hold a candle to someone else in that category. maybe you'll do it differently because those other ways stress you out and don't bring peace to your life. maybe you'll startle yourself with how you take on new challenges, with how round a character you are.). as beyonce says, "it's okay to depend on other people. in fact, it's what we're made to do." it's okay to realize you need one of these small ones far more than you thought you did. and you're going to do GREAT. just wait and see. 3w
  •   alisonhobs Thank you for this! I'm always encouraged by what you write 3w
  •   aly.allen @musick828 thought of you when I read this :) 3w
  •   jappygirl @jnny62 thanks for tagging me:) very encouraging! 3w
  •   mrsdot Yes. 3w
  •   embart51 @sarah.b1215 :) 3w
  •   aftermyhat I needed to read this. It has comforted me on so many levels. I'm taking a pregnancy test tomorrow and I have so many conflicting butterflies in my stomach. On the one hand, of course I want a little person to love to bits. On the other, I know it isnt that simple, that I feel woefully underprepared, and that im terrified of losing myself, and not being able to do it on my own. So yeah. Needed to read this. Thank you so much for putting this out there, @imkristen_ . 3w
  •   bethban97 @riekaye13 not necessary for us right now, but I thought it was sweet :) 1w

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imkristen_ "plans are of little importance, but planning is essential." winston churchill • from my perception i think everyone leans towards one side of that comma or the other. i tend left. planning and i are irritable neighbors, but we try to keep the peace. i've only known a few people who do both -- with detail and capacity make plans, and with joy and easiness let them go. regardless, i would have NEVER expected to see this view as a "front yard." it's different for me, but i like different and all the great lessons and memories "different" has to offer. 3w
  •   mary.pellie Cute little green & white building there. Green & white always makes me think of Anne. & yes, being in the middle, where the comma is, that's hard but a good place to try for, & try & try 3w
  •   madi_nigus @lisssarae Aww so good to think about! 3w
  •   kendallhanna 3w
  •   ems.nash blessed to have a beautiful view! 3w
  •   emgprice So lovely! 3w
  •   justyouphotographybydarla I love the quote and relate to it well. Planning is such a difficult chore for me. I like dreaming up plans and the planning to make them happen is, in fact, essential. Often times my planning is only back up for what actually takes place. On a higher plane, God's plans are the only ones I am truly interested in. So if my own plans are not realized, I am content knowing that His never fail. So sweet to my soul to know that I am loved and cared for like a child in the arms of my perfect Father. Enjoy that view 3w

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imkristen_ dear ryan, your flowers bloomed this spring and they were like pom-poms cheering us on in life. your gram gave them to me, and helpfully reminded me when to plant them last winter so they'd be meeting us by spring. i've never planted anything outdoors before. losing you was weird because i never heard your heartbeat (though i did see it), i don't know your gender (though my sense is that you're my little guy), and i never felt you flutter about as healthy swimmers do. it was weird because i was scared to have you. "am i really ready for this?" "what will people think that we got pregnant with two kids so fast?" some people told us what they thought, and encouraged us to slow down. you certainly slowed me down, tiny fellow. it was weird because one night -- the night i threw up nine times -- i had the thought "i don't care if i miscarry, i just want to stop being this sick. i can't do this anymore." i think i even meant the thought when i thought it. it's a memory that has haunted me the last year. it's a guilty moment, an awful-mother moment, but mostly an overwhelmed, ignorant moment. and it was just a moment. by the time you had died i had already ordered you a crib. i was so looking forward to you coming into our world and spaces. it's been weird because i had a silver-lining hope that we'd have another baby quickly and we could say "ah, but if it wasn't for ryan we wouldn't have this one." a year later it's still 'just' the three of us. and trust me, i can't imagine how we could enjoy or take advantage of being parents to that rowdy kid more than we do. we have soaked it up so much i think we might be spoiled. we look forward to the future, with great anticipation for which characters might join our scene. we know the author neither forgets or accidentally adds a character. they are all so on-purpose. "not one missing." i miss the life we would have had, the woman i would have become had you lived among us. but i *am* the woman who lost you, and i'm grateful to be her. i'm a little braver on some fronts, a little more worried on others; a little smarter, and a little softer. your crib lies unopened it its box. kind of like you. with love, mama 3w
  •   shekinahspringsfarm This is really awesome, you will one day write a book, and then another, and on and on, glad you are my daughter in law! 3w
  •   imwillowhebe 3w
  •   shanbrawley Kristen, I don't know you but this is beautiful. You are so brave and so many would not be willing to share that "awful mama" moment. Thank you for doing so, and baring your heart. 3w
  •   meganbeth1 3w
  •   ailsakhnana Beautifully written, thanks for your honesty&courage. 3w
  •   brittanydefrehn 3w
  •   stephbolt1114 Beautiful Kristen. We lost our much wanted second baby this week and the heartbreak is so strong. Hearing the words of others who have been there helps. 3w
  •   chelsealeighcarr I had a friend who miscarried and said to me... "What's so comforting about it - if you can even be comforted - is that all the people who have passed on before us (who knew the Lord) got to hold our baby before us." So I imagine your mama & baby are having a ball up there together! Thanks for being so vulnerable & sharing your heart. I just had our first baby 8 weeks ago & have already had mama-guilt. It's good to know I'm not alone. 3w

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imkristen_ "we must learn to acknowledge that the creation is full of mystery; we will never entirely understand it. we must abandon arrogance and stand in awe. we must recover the sense of the majesty of creation, and the ability to be worshipful in its presence." these stout asparagus are courtesy of my wendell-berry-esque father in law, @shekinahspringsfarm. (ps. not that it's a deal breaker or anything, but if you can marry a guy whose dad has a large organic garden, you won't be disappointed.) 3w

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imkristen_ "the places where we’re torn to pieces can be the thin places where we touch the peace of god. what has torn you, god makes a thin place to see glory." [ann voskamp] • we've been missing you for a full year. and have been loving you for far longer. #werememberbobby 4w

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imkristen_ the social-media part of the internet has plenty of problems, but fun easter egg creations aren't one of them. (along with everyone in halloween costumes, "first day of school" pictures, and any green plants.) #easters #eastereggs #theresmamabear #livethelittlethings #theeverydayproject #thatsdarling #vsco #vscogrid #thatcolorproject #thehappynow 1mon

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imkristen_ he was born, and death was inevitable. he lived, preparing to die. he begged to escape death, if possible. (even for god it was nearly too much.) he breathed his last after mind-mending torture, and death captured him in its prison. but then, he made a laughing matter over the weakness of death. he, with heart and muscle, cracked open hell, crunching it underfoot like a dried, hallow acorn cap, flashing light into the caskets, calling for all to join the victory parade. there is life over the sun and it is ours to live. happy day! and happy tomorrow! "when the perishable puts on the imperishable, and the mortal puts on immortality, then shall come to pass the saying that is written: 'death is swallowed up in victory.'" 1mon

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1mon imkristen_
Normal i ' m k r i s t e n
imkristen_ npr's scott simon on his last days with his dying mom: "i think i can say now it was pretty wonderful. they were, along with having our children, and marrying my wife, the sweetest moments of my life to be able to share that with my mother, to be able to spend that time with her knowing that this would be our last time together. to be able to tell each other how much we, not only loved each other, but how much the rest of my life will be, in a sense, a continuation of what she left inside of me. it made me really understand ... that mothers and fathers pour everything they are into us. and they stand us on our own. and they understand that we don't fully grow up until some day we lose them. there are some lessons that only grief and responsibility can teach us. and to be able to go through that with my mother and have us both feel that inside our souls, well, really, that's, that's a blessing." 1mon

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imkristen_ mama had a soapbox. "you have to be flexible -- i will not raise you to be a rigid person! you have to be able to adapt and go with the flow!" she must have said "relax, be fleeeeexible" to at least one of us every single day. one area that was very important to her was food. she wanted us to 1) be able to go anywhere and try then eat what was served without fuss or fanfare ("it's just one meal. it won't kill you. be polite and never say 'i don't like ______!' after someone has taken the time to make you something.") and 2) to learn to develop an appreciation for flavors we weren't used to. she'd always tell me how, as a child, she hated guacamole but as an adult she loved it. "your tastebuds get replaced and your palate can enjoy more complex flavors! don't give up on something! always try it again!" i do love all things avocado, now. she also wanted us to be comfortable in the kitchen. when i started showing interest in making food, she let me at it -- and lawd did my poor family eat some salty, dried out, over-cooked, oddly flavored meals (ranch dressing pasta, anyone?!). but it was more important to her that i learned for myself, that i didn't feel overwhelmed and over-criticized, and that i knew i was welcome in the kitchen. i created a lot of mess, waste and leftovers, but whenever i asked "can i make dinner?!" the answer was an eager "yes! what are you thinking of making? can't wait!" she understood the rush of raw turning golden, the sharp smells becoming savory, the feel of tomato seeds and onion along your cuticles, the happiness in presenting a family with the last meal of the day (especially one they scarf down). she made it such a joy to make food because she was the most relaxed, patient and flexible of all. because she took the burdens of "that cost a lot of money!," "this kitchen is a WRECK," and failure from me. she freed me to follow her lead and go with the flow. #inmykitchen #theeverydayproject #vscogrid #vscofood #instafood #feedfeed #nothingisordinary 1mon
  •   lizrudman 1mon
  •   afarrsimmons I agree with @laurinliz I keep thinking of a recent post when you found her upstairs painting, taking a breather from the noise below.thats a wise woman, graciously knowing her limits and what she as a person needed. I remember going to a shower at her house once. There were freshly picked flowers everywhere. As simple as it was, I never thought of doing that. Now I do. 1mon
  •   misselaini This is so very beautiful. Makes me wish I could have met your momma. 1mon
  •   kevinschellhase I want to be like her. 1mon
  •   ashlleybrooke Love this. Beautiful words 1mon
  •   viqli Amazing! 1mon
  •   imkristen_ @viqli thank you! means so much coming from you 1mon

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1mon imkristen_
Normal i ' m k r i s t e n
imkristen_ "if every moment of child care was voluntary – if you could put your kids’ needs on pause, or postpone that work for another month or two, we would all be doing it. we would want the DVR version of our children’s lives. skip the commercials of potty training, and feeding them every hour, and the croup moments, and the snarls over toys, and the heaviness of worry. skip morning sickness. we would skip all the things that refine us. but god has more for us than we would ever volunteer for. • i’m not so far out of the little years that i can talk like it is in the distant past. but i want to tell you who are still in that frantic phase – this is beautiful. and not because it is easy, but because it is impossibly hard. i would never go back and undo the insanity of that time, because that was a time when god worked great mercy into my life. it was a time when god was putting some darling people in my life forever. and not as babies only, but as the men and women he is growing them into. it’s not only a sentimental mercy. it is the mercy of a legacy, the mercy of making our lives forever change the world." rachel jankovic 1mon
  •   breabird @imkristen_ I often myself in that 'frantic phrase'. Trying to enjoy it, wishing it was over, saddened when I realize how fast it's going by. I needed this post today. Thank you! 1mon
  •   keishamarie Love this so. Thank you for sharing. 1mon
  •   dianap419 This is so encouraging! 1mon
  •   jen_vera_ 1mon
  •   mrsdot 1mon
  •   sarahlinde88 Great quote. Love seeing pictures of your beautiful home (and hoping for more ) 1mon
  •   lgbahrke Such a great reminder tied up in a wonderful quote! Thank you for always sharing these gems 1mon
  •   katelynn.suzanne I love seeing pictures of your little home being made 1mon

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