hawkandlily "Hey babe, I'm going I give you a challenge, k?" @julesdangerfox asks me yesterday. "Um okay, what's that?" I respond. "From now until the new year, you can't say you're sorry to me..." he requests. "What?" I ask. "That's going to be really hard!" Because I feel guilty about how much I've needed him over the past couple of months.
Sure, I'm creating a new life in my being and that's a miracle by any means, but it's meant that I've gotten to a point where I can't do much of anything on my own -- driving, getting in and out of cars, walking up and down stairs, cooking, cleaning, anything it feels like. And he's been there. Happily. Willingly.
But truth be told, I've had a really hard time needing so much help. I get frustrated. I get angry. And the hormones don't help. Neither does knowing that I simply can't live my life in the same ways that I was living it before, so that I'm asked to refocus almost my entire identity, an especially challenging feat when feeling so unwell and unknowing of when it will improve.

So I say sorry. A lot. I'm sorry for being a burden, for needing you, for not being the same partner who can play like we used to, for being envious that you can still go off and live your life in many of the same ways as before, whereas I'm left with few choices between lying down and throwing up. "Babe, this is harder than we thought, but even so, we're still managing to have fun, right? We are still doing better than many people hope for. Everything's great," he reassures more than once.

So this is a lesson for me. To let people #love me and not feel guilty about it. To know that I would go above and beyond for him and for all the people I care about if they needed me. Without question.
It's a big huge almost requires lesson to receive. And since Life up until now has had to make some bold points so I really get it, I'm surrendering to this growing up. And learning I have nothing to apologize for.

#yogaeverydamnday #yogaoffthemat
3d

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hawkandlily We. Are. Family!
Two of us in this photo have bulging food babies. The other one of us has a real baby!

#oahu #northshoreadventures #love #ohana #bestisyettocome #mostamazingyearyet
1w

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hawkandlily When we went shopping for rings, I was nervous. I hadn't quite been treated like such a gem before, but @julesdangerfox reminds me almost every moment of every day how much of a treasure I am.

We walked into Tiffany's, Harry Winston and a number of nice shops in #alamoana, but I did such a quick breeze through, partly because I have a keen eye for what I like and partly because I didn't want all of the fuss. I'm not used to pomp and circumstance, and in a way, I probably still didn't feel very worthy of it.

So instead, we switched focus. "Let's go find your ring," I said to him, because he knew exactly what he wanted. We walked into a local #Hawaiian jeweler and spotted his ring right away. It looked so sexy on his hand.

I asked the manager helping us, Hendrix, if he could direct me to a shop that might have rings like the ones I perused online the night before and showed him a link on my phone. "Actually," he said, "we have a few options that you might like." He directed my attention to a case nearby, pulled out a few rings for me to look at. "Oh wow," I said, "those are fancy. Really blingy." Beyond what I believed I could have?

We sat in the store, both Jules and the manager super patient with me, and I finally came down to two that I liked. One very fancy, one not so much.

I looked at Jules. "I like the fancier one," he smiled. So did the manager. And another employee in the store. "You have long fingers and this ring looks beautiful on them," the manager complimented, and genuinely, we felt that he was supportive of any decision we wanted to make. But still, this was more than I expected. "It makes me feel like a grown up," I said to Jules. "I dunno, maybe I'll grow into the ring?" "There's a 21-day return policy," the manager reassured me, smiling.

Jules didn't ever look at the cost. We had talked about it before we went shopping, but above all else, Jules always wants me to be happy. He celebrates me more than I sometimes feel I deserve, but like the beautiful pieces we finally chose as both an adventure ring band and then my engagement ring, I'm growing into it.

I'm growing up.

I'm growing #love.

#bigmahalosforthislife
2w

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hawkandlily Such a happy #goldenretriever puppy. #beachtime 2w

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hawkandlily Purportedly best #beach in the world over and over. It was pretty... And packed. #lanikai #oahu #nextdoortowhereobamagrewup 2w

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hawkandlily This kid learned from an early age to throw up the #peace sign when posing for pictures. #whatasiansdo #oahu 2w

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hawkandlily A beautiful ribbon of roots at the Pali Coast on #Oahu. The wind was blowing so fierce, it pushed me back a step or two. Legend has it that King Kamehameha single-handedly defeated thousands by luring them to this cliffside and pushing them off. People thought it was perhaps a long tale until bodies were found when digging up the land for highways, I was told. #hawaii 2w

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hawkandlily @julesdangerfox is learning #mandarin for me & ... 2w

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Normal Judy Tsuei
hawkandlily Birthday #sunset. Grateful for so, so much. Thank you for being a part of my life, too! #nofilter #oahu 2w

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hawkandlily Mine. A big pot of honey. All mine!! #nerdhumor 3w

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hawkandlily @julesdangerfox and I got engaged. Then married. In the same day. Within 30 minutes. At the beach. In #Hawaii. After a pie fight. (Yes, this is all a true story. More on Facebook!) #greatlove #rooa #imaluckylady 3w
  •   hawkandlily @naomitracy 😎thanks for all of your support over all these years, sugah! 3w
  •   hawkandlily Thank you everyone for your awesomeness!! Now, come visit Kauai so I can hug you all in person? :) 3w
  •   mattrick_tsueiyze Congratulations Judy!! 3w
  •   day10galicinao Congrats. Hopefully we see u soon Kauai trip is soon 2 be 3w
  •   channitabonita Beautiful! Congrats you guys! 3w
  •   lpsakai Woohoooo!!! Didnt we see a ring like that at that jewelry store in St. Regis? Love it!!! 3w
  •   tanazakhlaghi Congrats!!! @hawkandlily so happy for you!! 3w
  •   jocievanreusen Whhhhhhaaaaaaattttt?!? OMG. I could not be more excited and happy for one of the raddest souls around! Wahooooo juuuddaaaayyyy!! 3w

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hawkandlily We went shopping today. This is part of what happened. #everydayadventures #greatlove #oahu @julesdangerfox 3w

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hawkandlily We went to dinner last night. It was half #ramen restaurant, half #Ethiopian. That was neat. And yummy. #oahueats 3w

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hawkandlily What girl doesn't want to wear her crown? This is what happens when you get a new niece to play with. Although, she wasn't actually around when I put this crown on. Like I said, what girl doesn't want to wear her crown? ;) @julesdangerfox (thanks @aviva8 ) #playingonoahu 4w

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Mayfair Judy Tsuei

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hawkandlily It's like a giant heart in the #Oahu skyline. Represents much of the surprises that happened today with @julesdangerfox. More on that soon! #happyfourth #loveisintheair #greatlove 4w

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