failure_isnt_forever Outfit from the other day. Skinny jeans always make me feel self-conscious because my thighs look huge in them, but it's the only way to wear cute boots. Also, on an unrelated note, I've been back on antidepressants for like a week because I got tired of wanting to kill myself. 6d
  •   cinnpa yay! try to stay on them if you can! and you look awesome, your thighs dont look huge at all. and that sweater will always be awesome. 6d
  •   gabby850 you're beautiful 6d

» LOG IN to write comment.

failure_isnt_forever I wasn't kidding about my plaid obsession... 1w

» LOG IN to write comment.

failure_isnt_forever I may or may not be obsessed with plaid... 1w

» LOG IN to write comment.

failure_isnt_forever Had a good talk with my organic prof/research advisor today. Apparently he had noticed the newer cuts, though I usually try to wear XL tshirts with long enough sleeves to hide the new cuts. He said he wishes I wouldn't hurt myself, but that he knows it's something he can't understand. That was only a small part of what we talked about though. He wants to make sure I know I'm welcome and that I'll stay in contact even when the summer is over and that he cares about me a lot and considers me a friend. He also told me that the project I'd picked was a hard one and that I'd done really well with it and shown a lot of tenacity and problem solving skills, and that he has no doubt that I'll do well in science research in the future. At the beginning of the summer, I only planned to work in this lab for the summer, but now I'm considering staying another semester because I really want to do more with this project and I'm not ready to hand it over to someone else quite yet (though I've only hinted about this to him). I also told him he's meant a lot to me and I'm really thankful that he's been part of my life and I've really enjoyed this summer. He's been saying he'll miss having me around the lab and that I made it a lot more fun. Even if I work there during the semester, it'll only be a few hours a week, while I was in there for 40-70 hours a week this summer. I am so grateful to have had him as a part of my life this past year, and I definitely want to keep contact. He's fun to be around, kind, supportive, and just an amazing person who's helped me through so much. Plus the fact that he thinks I went above and beyond with my work this summer and that I'll succeed in research is an amazing thing to hear. I've always feared that I was good at learning stuff for classes but couldn't actually do anything new, and this summer I have and he turkey believes that I did well at it. He wouldn't have said anything if he didn't, but he said he thought I did exceptional work this summer. So yeah. That was a good conversation. 1mon

» LOG IN to write comment.

failure_isnt_forever Some on my other thigh from last night... 2mon

» LOG IN to write comment.

failure_isnt_forever Deepish I guess. I closed it with steri strips so the scar won't be wide though (idc about the scar but it'll also heal faster which is convenient) 2mon

» LOG IN to write comment.

failure_isnt_forever I ran out of steri strips. I ordered more that should arrive Monday, but for now I have to use butterfly bandages :/ 2mon

» LOG IN to write comment.

failure_isnt_forever My research advisor often jokingly hits me on the arm or touches my shoulder or w/e (not in a creepy way, more that we're close and it's in kind of a paternal way). I wore a long sleeve shirt over my tshirt so the new cuts wouldn't show and hopefully the bandages wouldn't be noticeable, but earlier this morning he jokingly punched me in the arm and I think he felt the bandages because like 15 minutes later he put a hand on my arm and tried to make it seem like a normal gesture but I'm guessing he thought he felt something the first time and was trying to confirm/figure out that it was a bandage. Feeling my own arm through the shirt, I can definitely tell there's a bandage there. He hasn't said anything though (and I'm not just being paranoid, we've talked about my cutting before and I've worn tshirts with shorter sleeves and reached for things and the sleeves moved up and he's definitely seen that I have newer cuts there than on my forearms) 2mon

» LOG IN to write comment.

failure_isnt_forever It wasn't a good night... 2mon

» LOG IN to write comment.

failure_isnt_forever My upper arm/bicep. Whoops. 2mon
  •   graaacecherry You are amazing! Keep your head up gorgeous. 2mon

» LOG IN to write comment.

failure_isnt_forever Cut off over a foot of my hair for donation. It was my first haircut in two years. 2mon

» LOG IN to write comment.

failure_isnt_forever Had a panic attack in chem today and had to excuse myself from the lecture and broke down in the bathroom about the fact that everything is shit and I'm not nearly mature enough to handle any of this and I just want my mom to comfort me except I've always lied to her about this stuff to protect her and right now she needs that protection more than ever and my entire life is overwhelming and I can't handle it. Then felt guilty bc my prof is probably really worried about me now (he knows some of my shit. Not all of it but quite a lot and more than enough to be really worried) and I had to calm down before my physics quiz that was an hour later (that I just bombed). My first cut was the deepest u think, but I ended up doing a couple shallower ones and a couple more like this but then I had to stop so I'd have time to bandage it and not miss my quiz. Fuck. 5mon
  •   aim.and.ignite I know that you probably feel like shit right now and I'm just some random 15 year old but I just want you to know that you are my inspiration. You are fucking amazing. You are one of the strongest people I know and I couldn't go throw half the shot you've been through. I hope you are feeling better and I hope that you start to get better soon. 5mon
  •   half_my_heart09 Baby how are you??????? 3mon
  •   failure_isnt_forever @half_my_heart09 I'm actually doing pretty well, all things considered. I've actually been spending the summer working in the lab of my orgo prof (the one I mentioned in this post) 40 hrs/wk, and the lab is a really fun atmosphere and I'm pretty close to this prof. We've talked about my cutting before when he brought it up, and I told him about my ED a few weeks ago and he reacted pretty well. He's also the one I talked to when Eric passed away and he was really helpful. I really admire him and he really "gets" me, and he's said he really likes having me in lab and he cares about me and wants us to stay in touch even when I'm no longer working in his lab. Plus he's hilarious so yeah it's just a really good environment for me to be in. Nights are still hard sometimes, but I think this summer has been a really great experience so far. 2mon

» LOG IN to write comment.

Normal Failure isn't forever
failure_isnt_forever Looked hella heterosexual for my honors program event tonight (spoiler alert: it's only an illusion. I'm hiding a hickey from my ex girlfriend under the cardigan.) 5mon

» LOG IN to write comment.

failure_isnt_forever The memorial was this weekend. I lost someone who was like a member of my immediate family less than 2 weeks ago. All I want to do is curl up in a ball and sob until it stops hurting so much.
But you only get 5 days of excused absences and have to make up all the work... I had 2 quizzes and a paper due yesterday and a paper due and an exam and a quiz tomorrow and 2 lab reports due Thursday... The list goes on.
And I can't fucking handle this. It just happened and I haven't had time to process it, let alone grieve, and it's still a raw wound in my chest.
How the fuck am I supposed to focus enough to study or write a paper when it's taking all the energy I have to not fall apart into a hysterical mess at any given moment?
6mon
  •   suicideinsanity You'll be okay love ️fuel your body and rest well, you will get through this and it'll be okay 6mon
  •   half_my_heart09 Xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo I'm so so sorry ♡♡♡♡♡♡♡ that energy your holding on to is what you need.. take the time when you can..it's ok to fall apart.. lean on someone when you do.. you can message me or text me. I'll give you my # if you want it. Sometimes it seems impossible to hold on but we do. If you ever need a random person to vent to I'll be here. Keep holding on ♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡ 5mon
  •   half_my_heart09 Sarah please if you need someone. ... 5mon
  •   failure_isnt_forever @half_my_heart09 I'm doing better now I think. Thank you so much. This meant a lot. I've had a good support system and I'm making it through day by day. I know it's gonna hurt for a long time because he was someone who meant so much to me but eventually it won't hurt this much and there are some good things to come. I've been trying to focus on happy memories. Idk. Thank you 5mon

» LOG IN to write comment.

failure_isnt_forever My mom's ex-boyfriend, who has been like a father to me for the last 7 years and a part of my family and my everyday life even after he and my mom broke up, took his own life a week ago today.
I haven't posted about it because I don't even know where to begin. I've spent most of the last week crying and cutting and starving and smoking a shit ton of cigarettes.
Today I finally read the note he left, and he used the last sentence he ever wrote to wish his two sons, me, and my brother, good and happy lives and to give his love to us.
I didn't truly understand this secret when it was posted on postsecret a while back, but I couldn't stop thinking about it this week because now I understand and I wish to god that I didn't because it fucking hurts so much that I can't even begin to wrap my head around the magnitude of the pain inside my chest right now.
When my mom first told me, I ran to a bathroom stall, fell to the floor, and fucking wailed uncontrollably and tbh I haven't stopped feeling like that since.
6mon
  •   suicideinsanity RIP You'll be okay love, hold on, this will pass, you will get through it, and learn from it, you truly dont deserve this on yourself it's not your fault, I know it might sound like bullshit but I wouldn't bother if it's not true, look how far you've come. you're in my thoughts ️ head up love 6mon
  •   half_my_heart09 I'm so so sorry! My poor sweet girl! LOVE AND HUGS AND KISSES! XOXO 6mon
  •   half_my_heart09 Xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo ♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡ 5mon

» LOG IN to write comment.

failure_isnt_forever Still look like a huge fatass, unfortunately 6mon
  •   catkiller1020 Dued..... I weigh 170. It's bad since I only have one kidney. Be grateful. 6mon
  •   failure_isnt_forever @thomas_the_steel_train Trust me, you don't want to look like me. It sucks. @catkiller1020 That doesn't mean anything. There are plenty of people who look great at a huge range or weights. I just don't look good at any of them. I mean if it's affecting your health that's not good but it doesn't mean you're any less beautiful. (My high weight was 220) 6mon
  •   catkiller1020 I've been fat my whole life. And yeah there's people who can rock being overweight. You think you're fat? Pfft. I wish I was at least where you are now. 6mon
  •   failure_isnt_forever @catkiller1020 and I wish I didn't feel the need to restrict my caloric intake to extreme lows to lose more weight and the expense of my physical well being, and that I didn't have a distorted body image. But wishes don't always come true. 6mon
  •   catkiller1020 But what does it matter if you're fat or skinny or tall or short or a brunette or a blonde or a redhead. What does it matter how you dress or how you act? 6mon
  •   failure_isnt_forever @catkiller1020 it's an eating disorder, an inherently irrational thing 6mon
  •   catkiller1020 I know what it is. I'm sorry, but I'm pretty sure no matter how madly it might get, its in you to get better. 6mon
  •   aim.and.ignite But think about how far you've come! You way almost twenty pounds less than me, I wish I weighed 115. 5mon

» LOG IN to write comment.

failure_isnt_forever A new outfit I put together... I almost think I don't look too fat in it, but I'm sure this temporary moment of self esteem will pass soon enough... 6mon
  •   i_like_notyou woAHLY SHIT that's cute. I love the boots and you can sure pull off those skinny jeans. 6mon
  •   failure_isnt_forever @i_like_notyou Thanks! It makes me inordinately happy that the flannel on my boots matches the shirt lol. And thank you. For some reason I don't feel like my thighs look fat in these jeans but we'll see if I feel the same tomorrow... 6mon
  •   i_like_notyou Your thighs look great in those jeans. I wish i could look like that, oh well. I didn't even notice that the flannel on your boots matched your shirt hahaha. 6mon
  •   cinnpa DANG you look great! those boots are super cute 6mon
  •   aim.and.ignite Awesome outfit! Your legs look great 5mon

» LOG IN to write comment.

failure_isnt_forever I've been wearing baggy clothes but yesterday someone commented on my weight loss which means people are gonna start noticing soon. She said I looked thinner but not unhealthy which was super triggering because I *want* to look unhealthily skinny... 6mon

» LOG IN to write comment.

Normal Failure isn't forever

» LOG IN to write comment.

failure_isnt_forever I showed my mom this new jacket that I got by putting it on over a cami like in the pic (though if I were wearing it out it would be over more layers and probably unzipped). She freaked out about how "tiny" my waist looked and how "skinny" I was. I spent all of break stuffing my face so I'm even more bloated and disgusting looking than usual, so I have no clue how she thinks I look smaller. Maybe it's just because my waist looks smaller in comparison to my hips which are huge and fucking disgusting. Or maybe because she's used to seeing me even fatter than I am now. Either way that means I should probably stick to baggy clothes around her. 6mon

» LOG IN to write comment.